


Mind games

by Sisterofmayhem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:10:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sisterofmayhem/pseuds/Sisterofmayhem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the tragedy at the Ministry, Harry is forced to take up Occlumency lessons with his least favorite teacher. Snape finds out an awful secret about Harry and decides to give his life a swing in the opposite direction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Mind games

 

_**Dark Lord lures Golden Boy into a trap?** _

_Rumours continue to circulate about the events that took place at the Ministry of Magic just a week ago. During recent disturbances at the Department of Mysteries He Who Must Not Be Named was seen once again, proving Harry Potter's claim that the Dark Lord is still alive to be correct after all. Sources confirm that there was a fight in the fabled Hall of Prophecy between several students of Hogwarts – amongst them famous Harry Potter - and the Dark Lord's followers, the Death Eaters. It is said that You-Know-Who himself tricked Potter into going to the Department of Mysteries, because Potter believed someone he cared about to be in danger – information that later proved to be faulty. We recently received information of a connection between the Dark Lord's and Potter's mind, which apparently made it possible for the Dark Lord to plant random images in Potter's head. Perhaps we should ask ourselves if it is advisable to put our trust in a boy that has a direct link into You-Know-Who's thoughts, and vice versa. One life was already lost at the Department of Mysteries. How many more victims will this shared connection between the Chosen One and the Dark Lord make? It is a question worth pondering about. Rita Skeeter, for the Daily Prophet_

 

 

  
_..._ HP/SS...

 

Monday evening, five o'clock.

Time for my weekly Occlumency lessons with Snape. After the fiasco at the Ministry, Dumbledore had understandably insisted that I learned Occlumency, to help protect my mind against intrusion. I knew it was necessary of course, yet I couldn't help dreading these Monday evenings. Professor Snape was sure to be a great Legilimens, but he could hardly be called my favorite teacher. He criticized me whenever he had the chance. Already three weeks now he made me feel like an utter moron for not being able to shield my thoughts properly. The fact was that Snape always made me so nervous about making mistakes that I did blow it most of the time. Last time was a disaster, and if I'd had any doubts about my performance, Snape had made sure I knew it had been lousy.

"Potter," he'd said, "You're supposed to block your thoughts from me, not scream them out loud. Are you deliberately making these lessons more difficult or are you really that pathetic at it?"

It had been like that ever since we started the lessons a good month ago. I had the slightly depressing feeling that I wasn't making any progress at all and by the way things were going I never would. I dragged my feet once again towards the dungeons, where Snape's office was. Outside the door I drew in a deep, desperate breath and knocked softly.

"Enter," came the familiar drawling voice. I opened the door and stepped inside. As usual Snape didn't look up from his paperwork but chose to ignore me for a while.

"Late yet again, Potter," he finally said and with a last single scribble from his pen he looked up. I glanced at the clock to see that it was only two minutes past five. I barely refrained from rolling my eyes. Better not to comment and give him an incentive to offend me. Snape invited me to take a seat and went on: "If you have lost interest in these Occlumency lessons, please do tell. I am more than willing to put an end to them, Mister Potter." I gritted my teeth and again bit back a comment.

"No Sir," I answered instead, "I don't think Dumbledore would let us anyway."

Snape grimaced and replied: "So it seems. Enough chitchat, Potter. I sincerely hope you will perform better tonight than during your latest attempts. Remember, Occlumency is a matter of willpower and concentration. Are you ready?"

I nodded hastily. Snape drew his wand out of the pocket of his robe and made sure to look me in the eye before he counted down: "Three, two, one… Legilimens."

I felt Snape's presence inside my head and reacted instinctively. My thoughts seemed to draw back to a place where Snape couldn't reach them, seemed to shrivel to the back of my mind.

"Block, Potter. Don't hide," Snape muttered coldly and the next moment I felt him draw closer still. I was sick of Snape poking around in my thoughts and ridiculing them. He had seen me being bullied by my cousin Dudley, seen how scared I was when I had to fight Voldemort all by myself after the Triwizard Tournament. He'd seen how devastated I was when I lost Sirius, seen me kiss Cho… And afterwards I had to look at the offending smirk on his face as he drawled: "Interesting…"

"Enough," I thought, "Really... That's enough." Stupid, but it seemed to do the trick. Suddenly it felt as if there was so much space in my head and I realized it was me drawing up a shield and pushing Snape out. Snape huffed in surprise and drew back. He stared at me in wonder and finally conceded: "That was a start, Potter. I knew it was in there somewhere."

I was struck silent. Snape had never paid me a compliment before. I felt oddly embarrassed.

"Keep that in mind," Snape continued, "We shall try again. Brace yourself…"

And again he was there on the outskirts of my mind and again I succeeded in keeping him at bay. It looked like I suddenly got the hang of it. I was a little surprised about it to be honest. We kept practicing for more than an hour and in the end Snape actually seemed to become excited about my progress. I on the other hand, felt like a wreck.

"I know how exhausting it can be, Potter," Snape said, "But surely you see this is definitely an improvement."

I nodded and rubbed my aching forehead.

"One more try? Then I will release you," Snape asked, without the sarcastic undertone this time.

I sighed, rubbed my forehead even harder and shrugged. I felt tempted to put down my head on the desk and sleep for a very long time.

But Snape muttered 'Legilimens" and all of a sudden he was in my head again. I was on the kitchen floor at the Dursley's place. Uncle Vernon was towering over me and was beating me up with his belt, leaving angry red welts on my arms and legs. I was too shocked to pull my shield back up, but in the end it wasn't even necessary because Snape tumbled out of my thoughts mere moments later. He looked at me, mouth hanging open. Gawking like a fish, rather. I looked away, feeling embarrassed. The silence stretched on until Snape muttered: "What was that?"

I thought that was a rather stupid question so I chose not to answer it.

"Potter, have you told anyone about this?" Snape asked. My hands started to shake and I swore under my breath. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Snape walk around his desk. His voice sounded far away.

"Harry, have you talked to Dumbledore?" he pressed urgently. I couldn't answer him. All I knew was that nobody must find out how bad it could get sometimes. I wouldn't be able to bear the looks of pity I was sure I would get if anyone knew. And now, someone knew. Worse, Snape knew. I was already halfway to the door when Snape flicked his wand and slammed the door shut in my face. I harshly pulled at the doorknob, but it wouldn't budge. He'd shut me in.

"Harry," he began again, walking towards me. I spun around with my wand in my hand and I was sure I would have done something terrible if Snape hadn't halted in his tracks. We stood there for a while, Snape with his hands in front of him in a surrendering gesture. After a while Snape spoke: "Harry, you'll feel better when you talk about this. Trust me."

I very much doubted that. And trust Snape? Not likely.

Snape seemed to resolve on something and he shook back his sleeve. I was puzzled for a moment because I thought he was going to show me his Dark Mark. But then I saw the bite marks on his wrist.

"These," Snape explained, "are from a dog bite. My own father once set the dog on me when I was five minutes late." He pulled back his sleeve even further to show me his upper arm, which was covered in scars.

"This was because I contradicted him when he said Dumbledore was senile. I was eighteen then." I stared at him in disbelief. That couldn't be true, right? He was just trying to make me feel better.

"So you see, Potter, that I know a thing or two about abuse. It's not something you should tuck away in your mind. If you do, it will be your uncle who wins in the end."

Snape walked back to his chair then and sat. I hesitated. Part of me still wanted to bolt for the door. But what if Snape wasn't lying? What if the person I ought to talk to was in fact the person I least wanted to talk to? I sat back in the chair opposite Snape uncertainly. It was silent for a while. Snape at least had the decency to let me regain my composure, if that were even possible.

Finally Snape asked: "How often?"

I bit my lip and looked down at my hands in my lap. Snape waited patiently for my answer. I felt I had to say something; otherwise what was the point in sitting there?

"During the summer holidays almost every day," I muttered, sighing. Feeling that wasn't enough of an explanation for why I had behaved like a trapped animal a few minutes earlier, I added: "They hardly give me any food. Seem to think that by starving me, my magic will somehow cease to exist… And last summer, when I was caught stealing a sandwich from the kitchen, uncle Vernon actually broke a rib, kicking me in the stomach. They usually stop two weeks before school starts again, to make sure I'm fully healed. And before you ask: I don't know why they do it."

Snape had turned a bit white around the nose and had actually clenched his hand into a fist. I instantly regretted everything I'd said. Anytime now Snape would be giving me that pitying look. If there was one person I couldn't bear to think of having pity on me, it was sure to be Snape. He shook his head as if to shake himself awake.

"No wizard should be treated like a dog," he said fiercely, "That sick bastard needs to be punished."

I threw him a doubtful look. Snape nodded and proceeded: "Yes. And you need to do it, Harry. If you feel like your uncle is physically stronger than you, then you will have to be cleverer than him. That will be your homework for next week."

I blinked and Snape actually cracked a smile.

"Indeed Potter," he said, 'I want you to come up with ways of how you will deal with your uncle when you live there again this summer. The more brutal, the better."

"Why?" I blurted out.

"I told you, Harry. We are wizards, and we should take pride in that. I want you to be prepared when you return next summer. And I'm going to help you with that."

 

 

...HP/SS...


	2. Chapter 2

The following Monday was a bright and summery one, with dusty sunbeams finding their way into the entrance hall of the castle. I let the warmth seep through my pores for a moment and then turned towards the sound of the shuffling footsteps of my friends behind me. Ron and Hermione, feeling obviously sorry for me, had promised to bring back sweets from their trip to Hogsmeade. As I waved them off, I tried for a regretful look. I hadn't bothered to tell them I didn't mind having to stay behind for my lessons with Snape. That would have meant explaining what had happened in that classroom last time and the idea didn't particularly appeal to me.

But I couldn't deny it: last time something had changed. Snape had talked to me like I was a normal person and not the pathetic, ignorant boy he always made me feel like. He hadn't laughed at me or told me I was spineless for not standing up against my uncle. He'd been all right for once, though I did find the homework he'd given me a bit embarrassing. With every other teacher I might have 'forgotten' to make it, but this was still Snape we were talking about. So I'd made an effort in scribbling down a few things, hoping he would forget to ask for it.

I'd nearly made it to the end of the Occlumency lesson, assuming by then that he had indeed forgotten, when he reminded me of my homework. I sighed at the prospect of having to talk about my uncle again.

"Can't we just pretend you didn't give me any homework?" I asked, already sounding defeated.

"No," he answered.

"I don't want to think about my uncle," I whined.

Since Snape said nothing in return I grumbled and got my homework out of the back pocket of my jeans. I tried to flatten the crumpled piece of paper to no avail. In the end I just let it stay there on the desk between us. I'd written down a title on the paper: How I will deal with uncle V. this summer. I realized how stupid that sounded, like a title from some bad horror movie, but Snape didn't comment.

"So Harry," he said, "what ideas have you come up with?"

"They're not really realistic, professor. I mean…"

I shrugged, not knowing how to continue. Again Snape remained silent and I let out a frustrated sigh. I looked down to the first item on my piece of paper.

"Well," I muttered, "I thought about setting my owl loose on him."

Snape nodded. If he was mocking me, he didn't let it show. Instead he asked a question: "How would you get your owl angry enough to make her attack your uncle?"

I laughed and thought: "This has to be the weirdest conversation I ever had."

"Well, that won't be too difficult, sir. If I simply let Hedwig out of her cage, my uncle would start kicking at her like a madman. That would get her upset."

"I would think so," Snape said and actually smiled. He indicated that I should go on. I looked at my list.

"I could pull the rug from underneath him. Might lead to a concussion," I suggested.

Snape nodded but made a gesture that I should continue, like he wanted to hear if I'd come up with something I could truly put into action.

"I could tie my cousin Dudley to the train tracks near our house."

Snape rubbed his temple.

"How would you do that?" he asked.

"Sticking charm," I answered.

"Do you think your uncle would jump in front of a train to save his son?" Snape asked.

That was an interesting question. Guessing from the look on Snape's face he didn't give my uncle much credit for it.

"Perhaps he would if Dudley was holding his favorite snake plant," I smiled.

Snape chuckled. I relaxed a bit, realizing Snape wasn't going to make a fool of me. I took a small intake of breath and blurted out: "Maybe I should just hire a hit man to do the dirty job."

Snape didn't comment immediately, but I thought I saw his nostrils flare for a moment.

He nodded and admitted: "I've thought about that more than once myself when I was younger. How would you find a hit man, Harry?"

I thought about it for a few seconds.

"It would have to be someone who doesn't leave traces, right? Who makes sure he's not being seen? So my guess is that I'm looking for someone within the wizarding world… Perhaps someone like you?"

I instantly knew that I'd said the wrong thing. I'd meant it as a joke, but from the small intake of breath I heard I was sure Snape didn't find it funny.

"Sorry," I muttered, "I didn't mean…"

When I looked up at him I found his sharp gaze trained on me. I squirmed. Snape shook his head then and tried a smile.

"You know I usually don't kill people, Harry."

I gave a shaky laugh, relieved that he was still in a good mood and nodded: "I know…"

"Though I might make an exception for you… I mean, your uncle," Snape added.

I laughed uncomfortably, feeling confused about what he had said. What exactly had he just said?

"You know I'm not serious, do you?" Snape asked then.

I nodded, only then realizing how relieved I was to hear that. It was silent for a while.

"Now Potter, before you go I have just one more question to ask," Snape finally said. I looked up at him.

"You realize why I gave you this homework, right?

I thought for a bit.

"I think I do," I muttered hesitantly.

"And why is that?" he asked.

I didn't answer immediately. It was a rather confusing thought.

"To make me see I don't have to be a victim, I guess."

Snape nodded. "You guessed right. You are nearly eighteen, Harry. It's utterly pathetic to let someone beat you up when you're eighteen."

I had to swallow back the lump in my throat.

"You're a Quidditch player, for Christ's sake," Snape continued, watching the tears in my eyes. I gritted my teeth and wanted so bad to say something nasty to him. Instead I turned around and ran from the room.

 

 

 

 

 

...HP/SS...

He'd done it again! Implied that I was spineless and got away with it! I should have kicked him in the gut when I had the chance.

That was the line of thought I had when I raced back to Gryffindor Tower. But already along the way I realized I wasn't entirely being fair. Snape had also been eighteen and had apparently found it as difficult as me to step up to his father then. At least he knew what he was talking about. That made it a bit easier to swallow. I told myself angrily I shouldn't kid myself: Snape was right, of course. I was almost eighteen; I didn't have to take that crap anymore.

When I entered the common room I was relieved to see nobody was back from the Hogsmeade trip yet. I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes. I had a lot of thinking to do.

 

 

 

...HP/SS...


	3. Chapter 3

"When your potion has turned a dark shade of blue, add the chopped mint leaves and stir a few times."

Snape was making his tour around the classroom, checking how everyone was doing and occasionally giving instructions for the Wolfsbane potion we were brewing. At the end of the lesson my concoction was muddy brown, whereas Hermione's was a perfect burgundy color. Snape hung over my cauldron, not seeming impressed at all.

"We will have to remedy that, Potter," he muttered, "Meet me here instead of at the dungeons this evening."

I had a sinking feeling. Occlumency and potions tonight. That didn't sound very promising.

 

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

The Occlumency lesson that night was a bit shorter than usual, but went well. Snape had paid me a compliment again, said I finally got the determination he wanted to see.

"Now Potter, as for the Wolfsbane potion…"

Snape set me on gathering ingredients and explained how I should chop the leaves and herbs in the right way.

"Your potion wasn't burgundy, Potter, because you didn't let the mint leaves simmer long enough before you added the lemon infusion. Exactly ten minutes, less won't do."

He watched me work for a while. When he seemed satisfied with my progress he sat down behind his desk and pulled some paperwork to him. I couldn't help but notice he rubbed his temples as if he were tired. Maybe the Occlumency lessons were asking a lot of him too. I felt a rush of sudden fondness for the man. After all, he seemed to be giving up all of his spare time to teach me. He'd been an arse last time, that's true, but then again he'd also really listened. Snape had put his finger on the sore spot, telling me I had to stand up against my uncle. I couldn't hate him for that, could I? Not when he was so obviously right.

"Maybe next summer," I thought hopefully, "I won't even have to go back to the Dursleys. Now I'm of age perhaps I could make Grimmauld Place my home." The house of my dead godfather Sirius wasn't exactly a paradise, old and rotten as it was, but at least I felt more at home there than at the Dursleys. I could invite my friends there and I'd have a place to go to during the Christmas holidays. I was on the verge of asking Snape if he thought that was possible but then he snapped me out of my dream when he harshly yelled my name.

"Potter! What are you doing!"

I looked up, nonplussed.

"I don't know, sir."

Snape raised his eyebrow. He seemed very angry.

"You don't know, do you? You dimwit! You were going to add the lemon, Potter. What have I said about the lemon infusion?"

I shrank. Dammit, dropped the ball.

"That the mint leaves have to simmer for ten minutes before the lemon is added, s…sir."

"Indeed Potter," Snape said fiercely, "I can smell from here that those ten minutes haven't passed yet! What is the point, Potter, in me teaching you when you won't listen?"

Snape stood up from behind his desk and while he strode over to me he pushed back his sleeves rather angrily. I froze. I knew that gesture from uncle Vernon.

"He's going to hit me!" I thought alarmed. Instinctively, out of years of habit, I threw my arms around my head and ducked. A few seconds passed, but the blows I'd been expecting didn't come. I slowly realized I had overreacted and brought my arms back down. Very carefully I chanced a glance at Snape. I didn't expect to see the look of hurt on his face. He was standing there, frozen, like he couldn't believe what had just happened. I dropped my gaze, feeling a little ashamed. I heard the small intake of breath and a moment later Snape's hands were crushing down on my shoulders.

"Potter," he said and I could hear the irritation in his voice, "Stop being a wimp. Fight back!"

He shook me once, twice.

"I'm sorry," I muttered.

Snape snorted angrily and slapped me in the face.

"No you're not," he breathed, "Fight back!"

He punched my shoulder and a sharp stab of pain went through it. I knew what he was getting at, making me angry. But I couldn't possibly fight Snape. He continued to push me and punch me though, kicking me in the ribs, pulling at my hair. I thought he would eventually stop; only he didn't. He'd worked me back to the wall of the classroom where I couldn't possibly escape and he kept on riling me up. In the end he got me so irritated and bruised that I realized I had to do something to save my face. I drew back my fist, hating myself, and hit Snape straight between the eyes. He actually toppled backwards and nearly fell to the ground. I would have found it comical if I hadn't felt so disgusted at what I'd done. Snape held a hand to his eye and cursed. He was breathing heavily, supporting himself on a desk, but still managed to croak out: "Finally I can be proud of you."

I broke then, hearing those words. I gave a few sobs, clenched my hands into fists and screamed at him. I lunged forward and punched his shoulder, tried to hit him in the stomach. But instead of defending himself he crushed me to him in a fierce hug. I didn't know what to do. I let out my rage with a groan and unthinkingly threw my arms around Snape. It took a while for our breathing to slow down. It was Snape who released me eventually and while he held my gaze, he nodded and muttered: "Proud of you."

He took out his wand and pointed it at me. I was surprised at myself I didn't flinch back.

"Reparo," Snape quietly said, and immediately the pain in my ribs and shoulders was gone. He then pointed his wand at his flaming red cheek and repeated the spell. The bruise around his eye vanished.

"Come," he said while returning to his desk, "I need to show you something."

  

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

As I sat opposite him, still feeling rather shaky, Snape explained that he would teach me to read his mind.

"Mmh... Why?" I asked.

"As I'm sure you can imagine, during a fight it can be quite useful to know your enemy's thoughts," Snape said, "I think it is only fair that I teach you. I also feel a bit guilty for invading your privacy so much these last few lessons. I thought it was time we'd switch roles."

I nodded a bit confused. Snape would let me read his mind? I wasn't sure what to think of that. He asked me to pull out my wand, so I did.

"You remember the spell, I assume?

"Legilimens…" I said, nodding.

"In the beginning eye contact is crucial. The same determination as with Occlumency is needed. You need to really want it, because I won't be making it easy for you to read my mind. Do you understand, Potter?"

"Yes."

"Good," Snape said, "Do you think you're ready?"

I nodded, becoming nervous. Snape gestured for me to proceed, seeming a bit nervous himself. I pointed my wand at Snape, looked him in the eye just as told and whispered: "Legilimens."

It was easy, like cutting into butter. I nearly fell into his mind and had barely time to wonder why I didn't feel any resistance at all, when I took in the scene in his head. We were in the potions classroom. I saw myself standing over a billowing cauldron, working on a potion, it seemed. Snape was standing next to me. I frowned at the sight.

"A few drops of lavender oil now Harry," I heard Snape say. I saw myself add the oil to the steaming cauldron.

"Now stir," Snape commanded softly. I did as I was told. After a while Snape came to stand behind me. When he put his hands on mine to help me stir, I realized with a jolt I was in Snape's fantasy. It felt like my stomach dropped, yet I couldn't look away. I watched as Snape's hands pushed my sleeves up. He slowly started stroking my arms, while the steam billowed into both of our faces. I trembled when I saw Snape close his eyes and put his hands on my belly while slowly exhaling against my cheek. My stomach clenched. Snape breathed a few words into the other Harry's ear then, loud enough for me to hear and shake me to the core: "God I love you."

I gasped and tumbled out of Snape's thoughts. A moment later I was out of my chair and stood trembling in the middle of the classroom.

"What was that?" I asked, speaking more to myself than to Snape. He didn't give me any answer. I felt like an idiot. I really hadn't seen it coming.

"But…" I stuttered. I shook my head.

"But you hate me," I said hoarsely, "You've always hated me. I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke?"

I looked up to see Snape shaking his head at me. I could see it in his eyes then, a certain look. I really had been blind. Snape got up, and stated quietly: "No Harry, no joke. Let me make you wiser. I think I owe you that."

He slowly walked over to me and it took everything I had not to run and hide behind a desk. Honestly, I was scared shitless. My knees started to give way and my foot twitched, betraying how much I wanted to bolt for the door. Snape smiled when he stood in front of me. He carefully lifted his hand to brush his finger against my cheek.

"You're very brave," he said.

He searched my eyes, checking if I was going to scream perhaps and then slowly leaned in. Snape brushed his lips against mine, once, twice, and then he was kissing me. Slowly, giving me time to adjust, to breathe. Snape kept his hands to himself the whole time. I didn't know what to feel. I was shocked numb. True, his breath was warm and the skin of his cheek was soft, but then again I asked myself: "Are you really kissing Snape? Really?"

But I couldn't tear myself away. I just let it happen. After a while I began to feel faint and I realized I'd been holding my breath. I slowly exhaled and inhaled again sharply. I noticed a spicy, herbal fragrance on Snape's skin which I found amazing. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd knotted my fingers in Snape's long dark hair and cupped his face with my other hand. I found myself pressing fiercely back into his kiss, grunting. Snape broke apart from me then and I was left completely breathless. He gazed at me for a moment, holding my hands in his own, eyes dancing with joy. He gave me back my hands then, took a step back and a brief grin flashed across his face when he said: "You are dismissed, Potter."

I wasn't sure I'd heard correctly, but before I could ask "I beg your pardon?" Snape had turned and resumed his seat behind his desk.

"Tomorrow evening, same place, Potter," was everything he said, "Don't be late."

  

 

 

...HP/SS...


	4. Chapter 4

Was I attracted to Severus Snape?

Well, he wasn't a very likeable man to begin with. Cold, sarcastic, and sometimes downright sadistic. He used to uphold a calm demeanor, but it was common knowledge that Snape was unreasonably stern as a teacher, way too self-confident for his own good and that he wasn't one to appreciate a joke. There wasn't much to be said in favor of his features either. Most of the time he looked annoyed, and when he didn't, he looked… well, ill-tempered. His dark hair always hung lifeless around his sullen face and his lips were usually pinched together into a hard line that expressed constant disdain. Every single word that came out of his mouth seemed to ooze malice. And he hated me. Because of my dad. I thought I was sure of that.

But the way his face had lit up when he'd kissed me…

I still didn't understand. Didn't want to either, I realized.

So I decided I might.

I might be attracted to Severus Snape.

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

Exactly what it was that made me decide not to go to the Occlumency lesson the following evening, I still don't know. Maybe I was curious to see what he would do when he realized I wasn't going to show up. I was in my four-poster bed in the Gryffindor common room, pretending to read as I watched it become five o'clock, then two past, eight past… At exactly eleven past five the door bounced open and Snape entered the room. He didn't look very pleased. I felt a stupid triumphant grin creep across my face and I was unable to stop it.

"Would you care to explain, Potter, why you are not in the potions classroom for your Occlumency lesson? Perhaps you take pleasure in wasting my valuable time?"

He really was angry. I didn't know what to say; I hadn't thought it through that far.

"I'm sorry, sir," was all I could manage.

Hermione was looking at me rather anxiously, beaming her usual "Harry, what were you thinking?" at me. Snape was becoming impatient.

"If you prefer wasting away in your bed, Potter, please do tell. I daresay I have better things to do."

I quickly jumped out of bed and answered: "No sir. I will come with you, if that's all right."

Snape nodded stiffly and swept from the room, leaving me to follow him. It was an awkward walk to the potions classroom.

"If you pull that trick on me again, this is over," Snape just said.

"What is over, sir?" I dared to ask. My question didn't interrupt his determined pace.

"Don't be cheeky with me, Potter."

I smiled.

"It's Harry, sir," I said.

Snape shot a glance at me. The idea hung there for a moment and finally Snape conceded: "Only if you'll call me Severus."

I nodded in agreement. As we walked on, my thoughts returned to the previous evening. Snape had given me a very difficult night. I'd hardly slept, kept awake by scorching fantasies. Of course I had first tried to think everything through rationally. After all, he was my teacher and twenty years older than me. I still couldn't fathom why he'd kissed me. But then the images had seeped through, one after the other: Snape's big, hooked, breathing nose pressed against my thigh. His mouth stretched into a perfect, sinful 'O' as he came. It had all gone downhill from there. In the end I had given up on sleep.

We were nearly there when Snape noticed the preoccupied look on my face.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked.

I lifted an eyebrow, silently challenging him to read my mind. From the wicked grin on his face I took it he immediately understood what I was getting at.

"Legilimens," he whispered. I braced myself, but it was actually easy to ward him off. I felt him try, but after a few moments already he stopped his attempts. I smirked. I had the feeling I was getting very good at this. Snape halted at the door of the classroom and fumbled for the key. He opened the door and let me enter first. Once we were inside Snape put a locking and silencing charm on the door and then surprised me by pinning me to the wall.

"It seems that you still have a lot to learn about Occlumency, Harry," he whispered in my ear. I looked at him, puzzled.

"You left loopholes. I saw everything," Snape explained. I stared disbelievingly at him. Snape smiled mischievously and bit my earlobe before he said: "So you want to come in my mouth?"

I blanched.

"And then lick it out of my mouth again?" he continued, "That is pretty nasty."

"Erm…" I muttered.

"Don't be mistaken," Snape said, eyes full of dark humor, "You'll find I might be up for it. Now please take a seat, Harry, before I do something stupid."

We walked over to his desk and sat. I hated it that he could see my fingers tremble. It seemed that he was always a step ahead of me. 

"Now Harry, Occlumency," Snape brought me back to the lesson at hand, "You've become quite talented these last few lessons. But, as you noticed just a few moments ago, there is still room for perfection. Today I want you to pick a thought, something that you wish to keep secret from me."

My heart rate sped up. Considering Snape's temper, this could be an extremely bad idea.

"Is that wise, sir?" I asked skeptically, "I mean, what if you find out something you'd rather not have known?"

Snape smiled.

"First of all: it's Severus for you, Harry. And I advise you to choose something harmless of course. Perhaps something you did when you were a child. Or a fantasy of you kissing a girl?"

I shrugged, allowing that.

"I only kissed Cho and I didn't think much of it at the time."

Severus didn't comment. I lapsed into silence, searching for something I could use. When I finally found it, I chuckled.

"Okay, I think I've got something," I pronounced.

One night a few years ago, Snape had almost caught me stealing ingredients for Polyjuice Potion from his cupboard. I only got away because of my invisibility cloak. He wouldn't be too angry about that now, would he?

"Good. Let's start then. Are you ready?" Severus asked a little too coolly. I nodded and Severus performed the usual actions. He pointed his wand at me and muttered: 'Legilimens."

After a few persistent but unsuccessful attempts, I noticed I was becoming rapidly tired. It seemed like he really was curious, the nosy bastard. I was sure that any moment now he would break through my shield. Unless… Unless I could distract him. I looked at Snape's concentrated face and knew what I had to do. Next time he tried I let him enter my mind and shoved an image in his face of me taking a rather soapy shower.

"Potter, that's cheating," Severus commented dryly, but his sarcasm was marred a bit by a breathy catch in his voice. I couldn't have cared less about his comment. I found I very much wanted to play this game. So every time Severus entered my mind I showed him something else: my memory of our first kiss. Me taking my clothes off for him. Us together in the shower, soaping each other up. Severus and me on his desk, the same one that was standing in between us right then. Severus became more flustered with each image and his comments got more irritated.

"Concentrate, Potter!"

"That's hardly fair!"

"Stop that this instant!"

"I'm warning you, Potter!"

The last fantasy pushed him over the edge. He lunged for me, grabbed my shirt in his fist and pulled my face to his. When that wasn't enough he pulled me roughly across his desk and onto his lap. He didn't keep his hands to himself anymore.

"I would say we put an end to this lesson," Severus suggested out of breath, "This is hopeless."

His hands had found a way under my shirt and my chest and stomach clenched. Severus gently stroked my muscles back into relaxation. He looked at me while he kissed my face. His open, warm gaze made me blush involuntarily.

"Would you join me in my bedroom, Harry, if I asked you to?"

I swore and looked down. What was he doing to me?

"I don't want to have sex," I whispered, suddenly feeling very young compared to him. Severus was silent for a moment.

"I won't, I promise," he pledged then. He held out his hand to me in invitation.

"Don't we need to talk first? I mean, I have loads of questions."

"Later," Severus replied.

The look in his eyes held nothing but promise. All I could do was take his hand and trust him. Severus apparated us into his room. As I took in my surroundings, I noticed his room was very basic. There was a small bed, a wooden wardrobe, a shaky table and chairs and a huge old desk. That was it. I knew his Spartan way of living shouldn't surprise me, but I couldn't help but gawk.

"You see Harry," Severus spoke, "that we can always come here if ever you are in need of a decent desk."

I chuckled nervously. Severus walked over to the window. He closed the curtains and flicked his wand to light the candle on the table. He turned back to me and nodded encouragingly. I sat down on his bed. It was a hard bed but at least it didn't squeak. Severus took off my shoes and kicked off his own.

"I hate shoes in my bed," he explained and pushed me gently onto my back. He lay beside me, propped up on his elbow and let his finger trail across my stomach.

"I know you don't want me to have sex with you, and I won't," Severus said softly, "But perhaps we can make love inside our minds. I would very much like to."

"Is that possible?" I asked.

"We can try," he answered simply.

We looked at each other curiously and before I knew it I had fallen into his mind. Severus was remembering the shower scene from before. I watched as his soapy hands roamed over my chest and shoulders. I shivered. My body seemed to be slightly more muscular than in real life, but then again it was Severus' fantasy we were in, not mine. Severus had a lot of dark chest hair that trailed down his body. When he noticed my gaze he took my hand and guided it to his cock. It took only a dozen slow, sure strokes to make Severus come vehemently on the back of my hand.

"Sweet Merlin…" he just groaned, throwing back his head.

It was too much. I couldn't bear to look anymore. My heart was hammering in my chest as I pushed myself back out of Severus' mind. Too quickly, it seemed; it took me a few seconds to regain my focus. As soon as I'd located Severus' mouth I slipped my tongue in, feeling like I was losing it. That delicious taste… A soft groan slipped from between my lips.

"You're addictive." I whispered overwhelmed and for a moment I wondered if it was true. That Severus had somehow enchanted breath, lips and tongue to slowly and purposefully make me go crazy. Then again I could taste Severus' surprise in his kiss and realized there was nothing premeditated about it. I noticed I was unbuttoning Severus' shirt only when he caught my wrist on his bare chest. The chest hair in his fantasy hadn't been exaggerated.

"What are you doing?" Severus deep voice inquired. He was in total control of himself, it seemed. I felt a pang of disappointment. Didn't I affect him at all?

"Harry?" he prompted.

"Mmh?"

I couldn't stop looking at my hand on his chest.

"I asked you a question."

I took a deep, shaky breath.

"It seems I'm undressing you."

There was a moment of silence.

"It's 'sir' for you, Harry," he chastised in a very serious voice. My stomach made a strange flip and I had to look up at him although I wanted nothing more than to keep my eyes averted.

"Why are you undressing me?" Severus asked.

My cheeks burned. I felt like a child being told off. Severus seemed perfectly content waiting for my answer and I blushed even more. I knew I had to answer him.

"I want you, sir," I blurted out helplessly.

He said nothing, just kept looking at me with unreadable eyes. I tried entering his mind: locked tight. When he finally spoke my spirits immediately plummeted.

"Potter," he said, "Have I not promised you not to have sex with you?"

I wanted to scream at him. Now was not the time to give dubious messages, I was ready to explode. Was he playing a game? I needed to know so I pleaded with him: "Sir, you can't… I mean, look at this!"

I grabbed the bulge between my legs, which was clearly visible even underneath my robes. Finally something seemed to flicker to life in his eyes.

"Potter," he ordered, "I don't want you touching yourself. Remove your hands."

I reluctantly let go of my cock and shuddered. Severus got out of the bed and left me confused. He walked over to the door on his bare feet, then turned around to look at me.

"So Potter," he began slowly as if still thinking about what he was going to say. I could see him making up his mind.

"I want you to leave now," he said calmly, "But before you go there is just one more thing. I don't want you tossing off until I see you again tomorrow evening."

"The hell I won't!" I practically yelled at him.

Severus just smiled a cruel smile.

"You won't," he said and gave his wand a silent flick. He must have accio'ed it, but I hadn't noticed. I could only feel a curious sensation in my groin. It was gone after a few seconds.

"Your dick will become a nice shade of green the minute you jerk off," he explained, "So I will notice if you've been bad tomorrow evening. And if so, I won't be pleased."

I blinked, trying desperately to understand.

"You don't want me to be displeased, do you?" Severus asked, while cocking an eyebrow.

"No sir," I sighed disappointed, for I knew now that I was being dismissed – again. I gathered my shoes and walked over to him. He silently held the door open for me.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, rather frustrated. His mouth pulled up at one corner.

"You know why," he said to me. I stared at him, feeling tired. He brought his mouth to my ear and whispered: "Because it will be so much better tomorrow and you know it."

I continued to look at him.

"Do you even love me?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied without hesitating. My heart swelled.

"Why?"

"Goodbye, Potter," was all he said before closing the door.

 

 

 

...HP/SS...


	5. Chapter 5

Needless to say I barely slept that night. All I could think of was Severus. I'd fallen for the guy, only to realize that the ground beneath his feet was dangerously slippery. And I had only his robe to cling to it seemed, he didn't even lend me a hand. Or maybe he did. Maybe he knew exactly where he was leading me. I honestly didn't know anymore. I sighed and tossed around in my bed. The following morning I got out feeling like a wreck. I tried to hide my erection from my roommates by quickly pulling on my jeans. I sincerely hoped Snape was feeling just as lousy as me.

"You okay, mate?" Ron asked me over breakfast, "You look a bit tired."

Of course Ron would pick that day to be observant.

"Thinking about the upcoming exams," I lied smoothly while rubbing my eyes, "I couldn't sleep."

Ron screwed up his face in despair as he probably remembered how much he still had left to do.

"Yeah, I reckon it'll be more difficult than last year. I keep studying but the damned pages keep coming," Ron complained. I tried a half-hearted smirk. That made Ron worry again for some reason. He looked at my plate and said sternly: "You should eat, though."

I sighed and started on my eggs and bacon. I snuck a glance towards the teachers' table when I thought Ron wasn't looking. Severus was his scowling, superior self. He didn't look sleep deprived to me.

"Damn him," I thought and put my glass of pumpkin juice to my lips.

 

…HP/SS…

 

I managed to make it through the day in the end. I even survived Potions, but only because I kept my eyes down during the entire lesson. At least Severus was smart enough to not poke the bear. When I finally went down to the dungeons that evening I realized I didn't know where we'd agreed to meet: in the potions' classroom or at Severus' private quarters. I decided to check the classroom first. I expected a passionate welcome given yesterdays' events but all I found was a note clinging to the door. I let out a frustrated groan and got closer to read the message.

_"Eager, aren't we? As I'm sure you'll recall we agreed on five o'clock. Wait here until I get back."_

I glanced at my watch. It was a quarter to five. Fifteen more minutes I could surely endure. As I walked the corridor up and down I allowed my mind to wander. I was curious and a little nervous about what he would do to me. I'd made it very clear that I wanted him but what if he rejected me again like he always seemed to do at crucial moments? He couldn't play this game forever or I would snap. I smirked as I imagined myself on top of him, pinning his resisting body to the cold dungeon floor while he begged for mercy.

"No Harry, please," he'd whimper.

"You've kept me waiting long enough," I'd reply.

That would teach him. As I turned around to pace down the corridor yet again Severus came walking around the corner. He strode over to me at a brisk, determined pace, cloak billowing to add drama to his arrival. I nearly smiled until I took in the fierce, dark look in his eyes. I swallowed. Was he angry? He didn't stop when he reached me but walked right past me. A flick of his wand made the note on the door disappear.

"Come," he said dryly and continued as if he had not just totally bemused me. I quickly caught up with him. When we reached his private quarters, having not spoken a single word to each other, Severus uttered his password, wallflower. He exchanged a quiet, meaningful look with me and I quickly tried to memorize the word. I hoped it meant he wanted me able to come here at any time I wanted. I wondered at the password. Was it referring to me? I was _not_ a wallflower…

Once we were inside Severus made no pretense about his intentions and I was glad for it. He just pushed me roughly onto the bed and confessed: "I took the liberty to read your mind today. Since you were a good boy I shall reward you."

He could just as easily have decided to punish me because I hadn't pulled up my shield enough, so I felt relieved. He unceremoniously unzipped my jeans and pulled it down along with my underpants. My sweater and shirt followed immediately after. I was breathing rather heavily by then.

"Look at me, Harry," Severus ordered quietly.

As I lifted my head to look in his eyes I realized I was blushing furiously and I hated it. Severus didn't even glance at my body but kept his eyes trained on my face. I squirmed uncomfortably, feeling extremely naked. Well, I was. I saw his hand reach for my cock. The moment he touched it, I drew in a hissing breath through my teeth. I hooked my nervous gaze onto his as he began to drive me insane with slow, measured tugs. The ache I had been feeling since yesterday became worse. I felt it building, a raw force in my stomach and groin, threatening to overwhelm me. I held onto the sheets for dear life. It didn't take him very long to make me groan out my release. I came all over his fist.

"God, Snape," I panted, "That almost hurt."

I was trying to regain my breath as he remarked dryly: "Snape? I was sure we were on first name basis."

I chuckled, feeling relieved at his attempt to make a joke after the very straightforward treatment he'd given me. He was smiling down at me and I thought he had a rather smug look on his face.

"Satisfied?" he asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" I grinned.

"Good," he said, "My turn then."

I watched as he began peeling his clothes off. It was a lot to take in. His torso came into view, as hairy as I remembered it. He tossed his cloak and shirt carelessly onto the floor, unbuckled his pants and slid out of them. He'd already lost his shoes. To finish he slid his thumbs behind his underpants and pulled them down. Despite my nerves I drank him in. His body was heavier than mine. Next to him I looked like the scrawny teenager Severus used to be. He didn't look thin now. His chest and shoulders were sturdy and he had firm and hairy legs. It was actually quite hot that he didn't try to hide his small paunch and love handles. Severus had the body of a man, not a boy's. I realized that I should have expected that, but it still made me swallow. Severus pulled me in his arms and tucked us in under the blanket. I sensed he was doing that to make me feel safe with him. Unthinkingly I started to explore his body. It felt good and safe and warm under my hands. Severus wrapped his leg over me, gently forcing me closer. Our bellies were almost touching and I could feel his cock, warm and swollen and extremely wet against my inner thigh. Severus caught my chin and lifted my face up to his.

"I've been restraining myself as well since yesterday, Harry. Please…" he just said.

I'd never made a man come. Tentatively I put my hand on his erection and caressed it. His cock was soft, like mine, but it was also considerably thicker than mine. Shorter, though. I felt the strength pulse through it and moved my hand up and down. That made Severus groan and I smiled, gaining confidence. At least it wasn't new to me. I jerked off before after all. I knew the motions.

"Take me in your mouth," Severus commanded quietly after a while.

I blanched and looked at him. He had his eyes closed.

"I've never done that," I said doubtfully.

His dark eyes scrutinized me for just a second. Then he let his eyelids drop again.

"I know, Harry. Now take me in your mouth," was all he said.

I stared at him. It quickly dawned on me that it was his final word on it. I would have to give my very first blowjob. To my teacher. Who was almost twenty years older than me. I wondered what he would do if I refused. Would he kick me out again? I looked at his cock which was still in my hand. I knew he wasn't going to wait all day. I had to make a decision.

"Okay, here goes," I thought.

The moment I closed my mouth around him, Severus snuck his fingers into my hair, then grasped lightly to hold me in place. I tightened and shot a nervous look up at him. His eyes were still shut while he breathed: "Don't worry, I'll guide you through it. I'm not that far from coming anyway. Use your tongue first, Harry."

As I concentrated on slowly licking him up and down I began to relax a little. It tasted a bit sticky and salty but it was nothing to be grossed out about. In fact, it sometimes even tasted sweet. Unconsciously I'd stopped licking and proceeded to wrapping my lips around his glans. The already too familiar saltiness seemed to jump on my tongue.

"Good," Severus panted, "Now move your head up and down."

I complied and felt the curious sensation of his soft-hard dick gliding in and out of my mouth. It was larger than I'd thought. I could only take in half of his cock. I tried for more but that made me choke. I stroked his cock, but Severus removed my hand.

"Suck tighter," he whispered.

I did as I was told and immediately Severus' hips shot up, forcing himself deeper into my mouth. I gagged and instinctively grasped his cock at the base to hold him in place. I gasped for air and when I'd calmed down a bit, continued what I was doing.

"That's it, Harry," Severus groaned and he released my head, groping at the sheets instead. Now that I didn't feel the pressure of his hands anymore it felt safe to take him a little deeper. Severus' body had begun to twitch and I took that as a sign I was doing well.

"Yes, that's it. Slow and intense."

His breath hitched and a few moments later already he told me he was near. I made the muscles in my mouth work harder. As they clung tightly around him Severus made a strangled noise.

"I'm coming," he managed to get out.

I shot him a panicked look. Now what?

"Swallow it, Harry," he commanded hoarsely.

I just had time to think "Swallow? How?" before his climax reached him and his semen flowed into my mouth and over my tongue. I wasn't going to let my surprise overtake me, so I swallowed quickly. I clenched even tighter around him. Severus' groan turned into a harsh whine. He fisted his blankets furiously, cursing, and I felt the first stirrings of proudness. In my eagerness I sucked harder. He yelped and his hands flew at me, restraining me.

"Stop! Stop!" Severus panted, eyes slightly bulging. I let him go with a smirk to let him regain his breath. I timed it; it took him a full minute before he could form a coherent sentence. Still, the first thing that came out of his mouth was: "That wasn't half bad for a first time." I used my shirt to whip him across his chest.

"Easy on the praise," I muttered indignantly.

Severus chuckled and teasingly pushed my head back to his groin. I circled my arms around his waist and rested my head in his lap. After about a minute I asked him: "You're not going to kick me out then?"

I propped up on both elbows and rested my chin in my hands, curious to see Severus' reaction. He just shot a glance at his watch and said: "You have sixteen more minutes."

I stared at him. After a few seconds Severus rolled his eyes and explained: "That was a joke. Obviously."

As I continued to gaze at him, Severus frowned. He tugged at my hair.

"Do you want to stay here?" he asked.

"Yes," I admitted and felt my cheeks redden again. Severus' eyes grew tender as it went silent for a few moments.

"But?" Severus prompted.

I sighed. "I can't, can I? Not unless…"

"Not unless you want the whole school to know you spent the night with me," Severus stated calmly. I nodded. Severus opened his arms for me and I climbed up against him. His skin already felt so familiar to me.

"Maybe…" I tried, "Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. I'm of age after all. It's not like people could accuse us of doing something criminal."

"Do you really believe that, Harry?" Severus countered, "Besides, people will start interfering once they know about us. I honestly don't want anyone around for what I have planned with you."

I chuckled, rolling my eyes.

"What sinister plans have you got with me that no one should know about?" I asked teasingly. A stroke of inspiration hit me then and I laughed against his chest.

"Wait, I know already!" I blurted out, "You're trying to soften me up so you could hand me over to Voldemort."

It was the wrong thing to say of course. I felt Severus tense and he dug his nails into my arms as he pulled me closer – involuntarily perhaps. It was quiet for a while. Then Severus grumbled: "That was a sick joke, Harry."

"I know," I said, "I'm sorry."

Severus grasped my chin and made me look up at him.

"You should be," he said, "But I'm still going to spank you for it."

His grip on my chin remained firm, keeping me from focusing on anything but his angry eyes.

"What?" I gargled, not understanding where this came from.

"You heard me," he said. He loosened his grip only a little.

"You're going to hit me?"

Understanding flashed in Severus' eyes and he answered: "I'm not your uncle, Harry. But yes, I'm going to hit you for this."

I swallowed.

"Why?"

"You can't spring something like that on me. And I need to make sure you won't do it again," he simply said. I blinked and realized I wasn't nearly as afraid as I probably should be. Severus had been seriously messing up my mind these last few days.

"I'm nearly eighteen," I said.

"Yes," Severus replied, already knowing what I was going to say perhaps.

"I don't have to take that crap anymore," I stated, noticing how my voice shot up an octave at the end of the sentence, almost making it a question. Severus looked at me with knowing eyes. He'd heard it too. It took him a while but finally he answered: "No, you don't."

I let out a sigh in relief, not aware that I'd been holding my breath.

"You're not going to force me then?" I asked.

"No," Severus said. He released me and turned away from me.

I contemplated him for a moment and then, slowly, realization came.

"You would like it, isn't it? Hitting me?"

"You would like it too, Harry," I couldn't believe my ears. Was this really the person I blew just a moment ago?

"How can you want to hit me when you say you love me?" I asked, aggravated. Severus didn't reply and looked away. I realized this was a side of Severus I might not want to know about, but his silence was bugging me no end. I sat up straight, facing his side.

"You won't even tell me why you love me," I said accusingly. Severus' eyes flitted back to me then and I was surprised to find him glaring.

"Isn't it true?" I asked, "For almost six years you've been giving everyone the impression that you hated my guts. And now it turns out you love me! Wouldn't you find that a little bit weird?"

"Potter," Severus finally said, the warning in his voice very clear, "this is getting annoying. Either you stay here and present me your behind or I'm tossing you out. The choice is up to you."

I glowered at him.

"What kind of a choice is that?" I bit angrily. I was spittingly mad at him and even more infuriated with myself for even considering letting him get his way. Sure, I could leave. But I sensed that if I refused now, something would be destroyed beyond repair and I realized I didn't want to take that risk. I let out a frustrated groan.

"This conversation isn't over," I said, poking my finger in his chest. Severus shrugged. He had the audacity to look smug and I fumed silently. He knew I was giving in.

 _"Just for the sake of peace,"_ I told myself as I grudgingly assumed position across his knee. I felt humiliated to the bone, lying there stark naked.

"Better put some silencing charms on those doors," I muttered cynically.

"Did that half an hour ago," Severus curtly replied. He pinned my legs down to the bed with his left leg and put his hand on the small of my back. The first blow drew all thoughts of humiliation from my mind. It was every bit as painful as I'd expected and I had to bite back a grunt. My ass tingled and Severus massaged it slowly. Through the haze of the pain I could still feel his hand slip between my legs for just a second. My body jerked and I thought I heard Severus chuckle. The second slap was louder and I gasped.

"Count," Severus ordered quietly.

"T…two," I stuttered.

"Good," Severus approved. His fingers slowly caressed my balls. Then he brought his hand back down and I clenched my teeth when he hit my behind. That had been a bad one. He gently kneaded the sore flesh. I almost forgot the pain as he stroked my cock.

"Three," I grunted, getting confused from the onslaught of sensations. He tossed me off after every blow, it was just evil. By the time I'd counted to ten my cock was throbbing painfully. I was nearly ready to come. How had he managed that? He released me and I could only stare at him incredulously. The superior smile on his face seemed to say _'I told you so._ '

"Still, hurts," I muttered, gently stroking my sore behind. Severus nodded appreciatively and stated: "That was the idea. Now Harry, you remember why I gave you this punishment, right?"

I nodded.

"Why exactly?"

"Because I have a bad sense of humor," I replied. He smirked.

"Care to repeat what you said?"

I gave him a suspicious look.

"Are you going to hit me again?" I asked warily.

"No," Severus said and he sounded honest.

"I accused you of planning to hand me over to Voldemort."

"And do you believe I would do such a thing?" he asked.

"No sir."

"Why not?"

"Because you love me too much."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you went through the trouble of spanking me to make me see."

I didn't know if I was making any sense, the words just flowed out of me. I didn't really think about it. But Severus drew in a small breath and said: "That's exactly it, Harry. Thank you."

He pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head. I allowed it for a moment. Then I sighed: "I think I've had enough for today." He chuckled and we both got out of the bed. My anger from earlier was gone. To be honest I was just too tired for it. I would have time to think about it later.

"I have to catch up on some school work, Harry," Severus said, "The last few days have been quite absorbing. So I can only see you again next Monday. That is, if you are still inclined to?"

I sighed, nodded and managed a smile. "I'm not sure about a lot of things regarding you, Severus. But that I want to see you again is out of the question."

He embraced me and pulled me into a long, lingering kiss. We were both panting when we broke apart again. He regarded me with an amused smile on his lips, and then gestured towards my clothes on the ground.

"Better put those back on."

We dressed quietly. Severus walked me to the door.

"Do you remember the password to this room, Harry?" he asked me. I had to grope around in my scattered thoughts for a few seconds. My head was full.

"Wallflower," I answered. Just to be sure I asked: "Do you want me to come here?"

In earlier days Severus would have drawled 'Obviously' in answer to that question, but now he just brushed his finger along my jaw and nodded. I opened the door but couldn't quite leave yet. We stood there for a while, drawing out the moment.

"Next time, Harry," Severus finally said, "I'm going to fuck you."

I grinned.

"Not unless I fuck you first."

He laughed. "We'll see."

We were smiling broadly at each other, like idiots.

"Get lost," Severus muttered, amusement in his eyes. I turned around to head back to Gryffindor Tower and I couldn't help it: my heart was thumping fiery in my chest.

 

 

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

Later that night I was the only one still awake in the Common Room. I had to beat off two more times to get Severus out of my system. Maybe he really was drugging me somehow. It would make quite the headline: _'Boy who lived Imperiused by Death Eater teacher_ '. The thought made me smile, because it was true: there wasn't much I wouldn't do for Severus by now. Still, since tonight I suspected there was something off about our whole romance, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Twice now he'd dodged my question why he so suddenly loved me. Hell, everyone knew he picked on me in class. His snide comments when he compared me to my dad were famous. I had to get to the bottom of this, because his suspicious behavior was starting to nag on me. I would do it in my own time and at my own pace, but I had to know what he was keeping from me.

 

 

 

 

...HP/SS...


	6. Chapter 6

I wasn't capable of sitting down normally for at least two days. It didn't help my poor bruised behind that I had to dodge several Bludgers during Quidditch practice nor that Ginny playfully slapped my butt afterwards, brightly whooping: "Great drill, Captain!"

"O, give him a rest, Ginny!" Ron chuckled, noticing my screwed up face, "You know he can't help it that he slipped on the soap this morning. You shouldn't tease him like that."

They both snickered and Ginny gave her brother a resounding high five. I blushed. If only they knew.

"Go on," I muttered indignantly, 'laugh at my expense. I really don't care."

Ron smacked me on the back. "Sorry mate," he said, "It's just really funny, that's all. I wish I could have seen it."

" _I very much doubt that_ ," I thought cynically, but smirked at him nonetheless. I still found it hard to believe that everyone had bought my cock-and-bull story to cover up the rough spanking I'd received only yesterday. By lunchtime all of my classmates seemed to have heard about it and the silly jokes began to circulate around the table.

_"Hey Harry, pass me the soap… I mean the butter, will you? Or is that too slippery for you?"_

I rolled my eyes and replied: "Sore ass or not, Fred, but I still managed to catch the Snitch six times in a row during practice this morning. By the way, how is that bruise on the back of your head? Pity you didn't see that Bludger coming."

"My my, we are touchy today," Fred chortled. I punched him mockingly on the shoulder, knowing it would wipe the smiles of their faces if I told them the truth. I guardedly let my eyes wander towards the teachers' table, where I caught Severus who was just averting his gaze. It reminded me of another problem I had to face today and I sighed. _Potions_.

 

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

I was only too aware of my flushed face as I carefully lowered myself onto my seat in front of Severus. The man was flipping through his textbook but I could swear I saw him smirk because of my obviously sore behind. To top it off he snapped his book shut and regarded me for a second before he ordered: "Potter, fetch me that vial from the top shelf over there." I glowered at him. I was on the verge of asking if he couldn't get it himself perhaps, but eventually thought better of it. I walked over to the cupboard and stretched out as far as possible to reach the flask he required. Every muscle in my buttocks screamed from the exertion. I figured there was a cruel side to Severus I would just have to find a way to get used to. I trudged back and he took the vial out of my slightly trembling fingers.

"Something the matter, Potter?" he inquired. My eyes flashed up to his, but his face gave nothing away. Well, two could play at that game.

"No, nothing sir," I said. I even managed to sound a bit surprised, like I couldn't fathom why he would ask me such a question. Something tugged at the corner of Severus' mouth for a swift moment and warm respect flitted briefly across his face. I turned away to head back to my seat, trying to conceal my smug smile. I just barely caught the slight movement he made, but it still took me completely off guard. Severus was flexing his fingers; I saw it out of the corner of my eye. For a brief moment a ripple of fear went through me as I was sure he was on the verge of grabbing me.

 _'For Merlin's sake, not here…_ ' I thought desperately. Surely I could count on him to be the one to keep himself in check at all times, even when I couldn't? Just now that I was beginning to understand his apparent need to exercise control in all things he wouldn't make the most capital of mistakes by swooping down on me in front of an entire class? I forced myself not to jerk away but walked steadily back towards the safety of my chair. I felt so relieved when I reached it that I nearly cheered, though I was still shaking like a leaf.

Trust Severus for it to send the blood thundering through my body in just a few seconds' time. _'Maybe it says more about you than about him, stupid,"_ I thought. I glanced around, but nobody seemed to have been paying attention to us. Since the lesson hadn't actually started yet, everyone was still chatting. Ron was bragging to Hermione about his Keeper skills and about how well he had performed during Quidditch training that morning. I looked up to see Severus finally tearing his wicked gaze away from me and straightening up. He strode over to his cauldron in which some unknown potion was bubbling and producing dense white fumes. He filled the vial I had just fetched him with a clear, steaming liquid, not much unlike plain boiling water. I recognized it instantly. _Veritaserum_.

"Silence," Severus demanded calmly, effectively quieting the class. He slowly lifted the vial in his hand.

"Today we will be studying a tricky potion. Can anyone tell me exactly what it is I'm holding right now?"

Hermione immediately raised her hand. I kept my eyes down, hoping Severus wouldn't pick me to answer. I just didn't trust my voice quite yet. Luckily he indicated Hermione, since her hand was as usual the only one up in the air.

"Veritaserum, sir," she answered brightly.

Severus acknowledged her correct response with a slight nod.

"I take it, miss Granger, that you can tell me more about this potion, since no one else seems to be willing?"

Hermione nodded vigorously and Severus scowled, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, sir. Veritaserum is a powerful truth serum that forces the drinker to tell the complete truth to any question that is asked. It's commonly used in interrogations by Aurors and the use is strictly regulated by the Ministry of Magic."

"An answer copied almost word for word out of your current potions textbook, miss Granger, so by all means you are quite correct," Severus said, "As you can all see, Veritaserum distinguishes itself by its' clear, colourless and odourless character. Three small drops are enough to make a person spill the beans. Veritaserum can be mixed with any drink and leaves no traces. The potion is quite difficult to produce and must mature for a whole month before it can be used effectively. As professor Dumbledore insisted that I implemented this potion into our lesson program, I will teach you how to brew it correctly, though I can't figure out why this knowledge would be useful for any of you. Now everyone turn to page fifty-three of your textbooks and start. I won't expect a perfect sample, because it's your first attempt at such a complex potion."

As the sound of rustling pages filled the room, I pretended to flip impassively through my textbook. Veritaserum. Maybe that was the solution to my problems with Severus. It would surely help him 'spill the beans', as he had so nicely phrased it. Severus was such a proud, tightly closed man. Maybe he would be only too glad with a little help in voicing his feelings for me. On the other hand, maybe not. I smirked, tossing the thought around in my head for a while, weighing the pros and cons. I was pretty sure he would kill me if he found out that I slipped him a potion, but on the other hand my morbid curiosity already was. I needed to know what he was hiding and why it was so important that he kept the reason behind his sudden transformation a secret. The question was: Would I sink so low to get my answers?

 

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

"Damn it, that was a difficult potion," Ron complained after we'd left the classroom one hour later.

"Watch your mouth, Ron," Hermione chastised, "There are first years over there."

Ron wanted to scoff at her, but she cut him off by saying: "I thought that was a very interesting lesson. It's the first time Snape actually let us brew something really challenging, now I come to think of it. I didn't get the odour right, though. It wasn't supposed to smell like anything, but my potion had a whiff of salt in it."

"Come off it, Hermione," Ron exclaimed, "your potion was the best and you know it. Even Snape said it was passable."

Hermione just shrugged, but her face turned beet red.

My potion hadn't succeeded of course. I hadn't really expected it to. But I'd gotten a good look at where Severus was storing his potions, and I wondered if I would be taking advantage of that knowledge anytime soon. To think about it was one thing, but to act upon it was a completely different matter. Alicia Spinnet from the Gryffindor Quidditch team chose that moment to interrupt my thoughts.

"Hey Harry, could you hold on a moment? I've got a message from professor Dumbledore," she called from the other side of the crowded corridor. Ron, Hermione and me waited patiently until she had caught up with us.

"Professor Dumbledore wanted you to meet him in his office tonight, at seven. He said it was rather important."

"O?" I asked, eyebrows raised. Alicia chuckled at my dumbfounded look.

"That's all he told me, sorry mate," she said.

"No problem. Thanks for the message," I answered as she turned around to head back to her friends.

"Blimey," Ron whispered, "You don't reckon it's got anything to do with those horcruxes, do you?"

I shrugged, but I had a sinking feeling. Maybe Dumbledore had found another piece of Voldemort's soul we needed to destroy. I didn't much fancy it, but I knew that I'd had to suck it up if that was the reason why Dumbledore needed to see me. What had to be done, had to be done.

"I guess I'll find out tonight," I said, not wanting to waste too much thought on it, "Don't worry, I'll fill you in tomorrow. I'm going to the library right now, okay? I just thought of something I need to check. I'll see you at dinner!"

And on that last comment I left my friends behind, as I was planning to do some more research about Veritaserum. It would help me pass the time until the meeting with Dumbledore and maybe calm down my nerves a bit.

 

 

 

…HP/SS…


	7. Chapter 7

_Severus knotted his fist in my hair and the next thing I knew he jerked my head back. I yelped softly as my whole body tensed around his cock. I struggled to escape, but he wasn't having that. He just tightened his grip, driving himself even deeper inside of me. I kept my eyes firmly shut and desperately clenched my teeth together. I was afraid, really afraid._

_"Say it, Potter," Severus hissed into my ear. I hesitated a moment too long and Severus gave a painful tug at my hair. Tears stung my eyes and I squeezed them shut even more fervently as I drew in a whimpering breath._

_"You know what I want to hear, Potter. Say that you're mine or you'll be sorry."_

_I shuddered._

_"I'm y…yours, Severus," I managed to get out through gritted teeth. But it wasn't enough. He still didn't release me._

_"You will never so much as look at that Weasley tramp again," he almost barked, as his hot, alcohol-laced breath fanned my cheek._

_"For heaven's sake, Severus, I only asked her a question," I dared to complain._

_He took my nipple between his fingers and pinched hard. I howled and cringed, wondering if my brain had fried from the pain because I actually found it exquisite._

_"Wrong answer," Severus replied coldly._

_"Please, sir," I begged, "I won't look at her again, I promise."_

_I was relieved that he let go of my hair then, stroking it instead._

_"Better," he muttered a bit out of breath, as his cruel hands deftly found their way along my back towards my hips. He began to fuck me and I braced myself against his desk. I was sobbing by the time he came undone noisily. I bowed my head in shame, trying to catch my breath. I should let Voldemort curse me, Merlin knew I deserved it, because I'd enjoyed every sinful minute._

_Then, quite instantly, fear kicked back in. I was afraid of what I would see when I opened my eyes again. Still I looked up, cowering slightly. I looked at the ashen faces of my classmates. It was awfully quiet in the classroom._

 

 

 

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

I woke with a start and found myself on a chair behind a wooden desk. It took me a moment to realize where I was. _Library, right._

Apparently I'd fallen asleep, face down on a book about the use of potions within the Ministry. I flexed my shoulders. They had turned a bit stiff from sitting in the same position too long. I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes and for a while I simply sat there, looking around.

" _What a dream_ ," I thought. Absent-mindedly I rubbed my half-hard cock through my jeans, then cursed under my breath and pulled my hand back. How sick had I become? I couldn't recall having those kind of dreams a few months ago. With Ginny it had always been about kissing and maybe groping around a bit. But this…

I began to understand I wasn't my usual innocent self anymore. Severus was very slowly moulding me into a different person. Perhaps he did it unconsciously, but the effect was the same. Then again, had I really believed I would keep my innocence when I entered into a relationship with Severus of all people? Of course not. My disturbing fantasies were just proof of that.

Still, Severus wasn't the cruel, cold-hearted bastard he was in my dream. True, he might have his kinks, but I had also witnessed the warmth of this man. I knew Severus could be unbearably tender. I knew it because that was the reason I loved him. Every minute I could feel myself opening up more and more for him. There would come a moment, and perhaps it would already come soon, when I could imagine spending my life with him. I shook my head, feeling disoriented. We were barely a week into our romance, if that was what it was. Why was I thinking these things?

I gaped loudly, stretched my arms and legs and shot a glance at my watch.

"Bugger…" I whispered. It was almost seven o'clock. I had to hurry up if I didn't want to be late for my meeting with Dumbledore.

 _"So much for dinner,"_ I thought.

I quickly grabbed my bag and wondered for a moment if I should put the book I'd been reading back on the right shelf. I shrugged, deciding it would take too much time. I closed the book carefully and sped towards Dumbledore's office. I was only a minute too late. I muttered the password; it was still the same as last year.

"Good evening, Harry," Dumbledore greeted me as I entered his office.

"Good evening, sir," I said, "I'm sorry that I'm a bit late. I fell asleep in the library."

Dumbledore chuckled: "No worries, Harry. Perhaps it would be wise to catch up on some sleep. I assume you are keeping yourself busy, as always, isn't it?"

I felt a blush crawl onto my cheeks.

"I guess so, sir."

"I'm sure you do. What with Quidditch practice and the upcoming exams, I suspect you have very little time left. Do take a seat, Harry."

I gratefully accepted his offer as it gave me time to collect myself again. I cursed myself for blushing so easily.

When I walked over to the chair I noticed something was lying on the desk. It was small but hard to overlook. I froze. A cold chill slithered across my spine as I saw what it was. _Surely not…_

On Dumbledore's desk was a small cup. It was blackened and bruised, like it had been in a fire and someone had tried to kick out the flames. I sank into the chair, heart battering against my ribcage.

Dumbledore regarded me kindly.

"Sir, is that…?" I asked in a raspy voice. I cleared my throat before I continued: "Is this…?"

Dumbledore just nodded. I stared at the cup as if it was the filthiest thing I had ever seen. Yet, I couldn't look away from it.

"How did you find it, sir?"

The strangest feeling bubbled up inside of me. I actually felt a pang of disappointment because Dumbledore hadn't bothered to take me along with him. All I did was skulk around in the castle all day, where everybody deemed it safe enough for the Golden Boy. I wanted to be able to do something to stop Voldemort. Even when it was highly dangerous and even though I also dreaded it. Severus would mock me if he knew about this. He would surely say those were a child's thoughts.

Dumbledore coughed, snapping me out of my musings.

"Well Harry, that is in fact the curious side to this story," Dumbledore told me, "I didn't find this horcrux, or at least not in the way you assume."

"What do you mean, sir?" I asked, wondering why he was always talking in riddles.

"It was on my desk yesterday, when I returned here after dinner," Dumbledore explained.

I blinked.

"You just found it here?" I blurted out.

Dumbledore lifted his shoulders, as if to say he was as flabbergasted as me. The gesture was almost comical, but somehow I couldn't find it in myself to laugh.

"How is that possible?" I asked, talking more to myself than to anyone else really. Dumbledore shifted slightly in his seat.

"That actually brings us to the reason I called for this meeting, Harry," he said.

The careful tone in his voice made me look up at him.

"Please don't take offence, Harry, for I know your intentions are good. But given the current turn of events, I hope you will understand that I have to ask. Did you perhaps tell anyone about the horcruxes?"

My mouth popped open of its' own accord.

"Of course not," I answered bluntly, insulted. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows and I backpedalled.

"I mean, who would I tell, sir? I confided in Ron and Hermione just as you told me. I have no reason at all to talk to anyone else about it."

Dumbledore nodded, waving his hand in dismissal of the thought.

"I didn't truly believe you would be that careless, Harry. Forgive me. I guess it is also a waste of time to ask if you were the one to destroy this horcrux?"

I threw him an incredulous look.

"I'm not a Slytherin, Professor. I'm not that cunning."

Dumbledore chuckled.

"I guess you aren't," he said, "Unfortunately, that doesn't bring us any closer to the identity of our ally."

I sighed. Perhaps I did let something slip unintentionally. Who had I been talking to lately? I mentally listed up the people closest to me.

Ron and Hermione, the Weasley family, my Quidditch teammates, the people in my class. One more unlikely than the other. Then there was of course…

_No._

_No, no, no._

_That couldn't be. Surely he wouldn't be that stupid…_

As my mind was frantically mulling over the possibility, it became clear to me that there was no other explanation. It had to be him. We'd been in each other's minds so often lately; it must have been child's play for him to pluck it out of my mind. I felt a flash of white hot anger go through me. How could he endanger himself like that? We would be having a serious heart-to-heart talk about this, of that I was sure. Perhaps the Veritaserum was forcing itself into the picture sooner than I had expected.

"Harry?"

Dumbledore was looking at me quizzically, reminding me I wasn't alone in the room. I clenched my teeth. Should I tell him? What harm could it do?

I cleared my throat again.

"I, ermm… I think I might have a clue as to who it could be, sir."

Dumbledore looked surprised. I sighed.

"I think it was Severus," I told him. I explained about the Occlumency lessons and how it would have been obviously easy for a skilled Legilimens as Severus to read the exact thoughts he wasn't supposed to know. Of course Severus would have been only too thrilled to play the hero. It crossed my mind that I should be grateful to him for doing this, but I quickly discarded the thought.

"Severus, Harry?" Dumbledore asked me again, a thoughtful look on his face. I nodded impatiently. Hadn't I just explained it all?

"I hadn't realized you two were on first name basis by now," Dumbledore simply said, scrutinizing me from behind his glasses.

_Oh._

I immediately dropped my gaze. I couldn't bear to look Dumbledore in the eye as he assessed the furious blush that was spreading across my face. I knew I needed to reassure him, act as if nothing, really nothing, was going on, but I couldn't find words. I was betraying myself and there was simply nothing I did to stop it. An eternity passed as I waited for him to start questioning me. He would surely be disgusted. How could he not be? Tears threatened to brim over but I angrily blinked them back. Now was not the time.

Finally Dumbledore coughed and said: "Well, I think you might be right, Harry. About the horcrux I mean. Perhaps we should pay Severus a visit and ask him face to face."

I looked back up. Dumbledore's face was kind at least. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I only nodded.

"All right then," he said as he stood up from his chair. I blinked at him, confused.

"What, right now?" I asked.

"Yes Harry," Dumbledore answered, "I don't think we should be wasting any more time in getting our theory confirmed."

I got up hesitantly. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I sensed it would be unwise to argue his point. So I decided to keep my mouth shut and followed Dumbledore out of his office. It was an awkward walk to Severus' quarters.

After a while Dumbledore cleared his throat and said: "I hope, Harry, that you know you can tell me if there is something wrong."

I took a deep breath and made sure to look him steadily in the eye when I said: "I know. But there's nothing wrong, really."

Dumbledore sighed.

"I had a feeling you would say that," he replied.

When we had reached Severus' private rooms, Dumbledore knocked on the door. It quickly became apparent there wasn't anybody there.

"Perhaps he's in the potions' classroom, sir," I suggested.

I turned around to head there straight away, but Dumbledore took me by the arm.

"Just a moment, Harry," he said. "There is a faster way to find out."

He cast a spell that I was unfamiliar with and I suddenly felt a trickle pass through my spine. It only lasted a second. I looked up at him questioningly.

"Oh dear," he murmured while rubbing his temples. I had never seen Dumbledore rub his temples. It was a frightening sight.

"What is it, sir?" I asked, "Didn't you find Severus?"

He shook his head.

"I'm afraid not, Harry. He's not in the castle."

I hesitated, thinking over the possibilities.

"Sir, perhaps Voldemort might have summoned him?"

"It is possible, Harry, but I don't think so. Severus would have told me if he needed to leave."

Dumbledore gently placed a hand on my shoulder and I braced myself.

"I'm afraid that you were right, Harry. He's gone. It seems to me that Severus is indeed in hunt for horcruxes."

I had to bite back the bile of fear that rose in my throat.

 

 

 

 

 

…HP/SS…


	8. Chapter 8

Already for a while now I was sitting at the edge of the Black Lake. The book I was pretending to read lay open on my lap, its pages rustling wildly. I stared bleakly ahead, unseeing. I barely noticed the chilly wind that was ruffling through my hair. November had arrived overnight, impatiently ushering the sun to the background and making goose bumps appear all over my skin. I couldn't bring myself to care. At this point a trivial thing like the weather really didn't matter anymore.

A whole week had passed without any news from Severus. Every day I'd taken to frantically checking the Marauders' map when no one was around. The letdown I felt every time I didn't find Severus' dot on the map just got worse and worse to bear.

But Dumbledore, good old Dumbledore would try to find him. At least, that's what he'd told me when he had left in search for Severus a week ago. The moment he'd assessed the situation he had fetched his traveling cloak, ignoring my pleas to let me come with him. I had tried very hard to persuade him- _of course I knew it'd be dangerous, but he had to understand… Severus… if anything went wrong, if Severus was hurt…I needed to know, I was already in too deep…_

We had arrived at the entrance hall when Dumbledore had finally turned around, putting a hand on my shoulder. His gaze was fixed on me and he definitely had a guilty look on his face. I kept flinging nervous glances towards the main entrance.

"I know, Harry, trust me," he'd said, "But you can't come with me. Severus might return and I need someone who can take care of him when that happens. He could be injured, Harry. You understand that, don't you, that I need you here?"

My hands had balled into fists and I'd wanted desperately to argue. I couldn't just sit there, doing nothing? My eyes darted back to the door.

"Please look at me, Harry," Dumbledore insisted. I reluctantly turned my gaze back to him. He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I need you here," he repeated calmly.

I dug my fingernails into my palms. It wasn't until several seconds had passed that I could find it in myself to nod.

"Good," Dumbledore approved. He'd patted my shoulder one last time and Apparated himself away. I had never felt more useless in my entire life.

 

 

 

… HP/SS…

 

I needed something to keep my mind from spinning in circles, so I'd confided in Ron and Hermione. They were both in awe of Severus' bravery, of course.

"Merlin's beard, if that's true…" Ron exclaimed, "If Snape's really…"

"Hush, Ron. Keep your voice down!" Hermione scolded quietly, elbowing him in the ribs. Ron quickly scanned the Common Room for eavesdroppers, then he leaned closer.

"If Snape's _really_ hunting horcruxes," he whispered, eyes burning with excitement, "then I have sorely misjudged him all those years."

I didn't comment. I only knew that they were wrong, so very wrong. It was supposed to be me out there, not him. What Severus was doing, that wasn't bravery. It was utter stupidity. Severus was exactly as stupid as Sirius had been. And I knew that if Severus got himself killed, I would hate him for it for the rest of my life.

 

 

 

… HP/SS …

 

I played my part well though. I went to classes, trained my Quidditch team, cracked jokes with the Weasleys. I didn't even flinch when I found out that Dumbledore had replaced Severus as a potions' professor. A cheerful woman with curly blonde hair that reminded me a lot of Rita Skeeter was now teaching us temporarily. Only until professor Snape came back, she'd proclaimed.

" _If,_ _Madame,"_  I thought cynically, " _If."_

I kept my head down and worked quietly. That was basically my survival tactic that week.

Hermione of course wasn't as easily fooled as the rest of the class. She cornered me in the library one day to ask me what was wrong. I tried to dodge the question.

"What would be wrong, Hermione?" I asked.

"I don't know."

She frowned, then let her voice drop to a low whisper, "It seems like you're not really here anymore, Harry. Do you get what I mean? To be honest, it's a little disturbing."

I just shrugged. She kept scrutinizing me though and I sighed. I decided to tell her a small part of the truth. I admitted I had a difficult time stomaching the fact that it wasn't me out there, hunting horcruxes. I told her that I felt like I was being locked away, like nobody wanted me to play my part. I didn't really know if she was buying it. I had the distinct feeling Hermione sensed that I wasn't telling the whole story. She cocked an eyebrow and in the moment that she looked at me like that, she reminded me so much of Severus that I nearly told her everything. Just nearly.

I remained silent and Hermione had stood up then, looking down at me and I had looked up.

"Come on," she'd said, tugging lightly at my shoulder and indicating the shelves of books behind her with her head, "Let's see if we can find out more about these horcruxes."

 

 

 

...HP/SS…

 

More days passed. On Saturday we had our usual Quidditch training. The second one since Severus had gone. I had really put an effort in enthusing everyone and it had paid off. The training had been flawless and everybody was very confident that we would win the upcoming match.

"Wow, I'd never thought I'd say this, but Ginny played really well today," Ron admitted when we were on our way back to the castle. I sighed internally. All I wanted to do was take a shower and then stare at the Marauders' map for the remainder of the day. I made a huge effort to pull myself together and smiled.

"She's a great Chaser," I agreed.

Hermione joined us then, smiling brightly and congratulating us.

"We haven't won anything yet, Hermione," Ron pointed out, smirking.

"O, I know," Hermione said grinning.

Ron was exchanging Keeper tactics with me as we entered the Great Hall and went for the Common Room. I was so intent on keeping up conversation that I didn't notice Ron suddenly halted in his tracks.

"Blimey," he said, "Isn't that…?"

I looked at him. Ron was staring straight ahead and I followed his gaze. I began to tremble.

" _It's only a pile of cloths,"_ I thought, " _Nothing more_."

I didn't dare to hope for more. As we got closer, the pile grew arms and legs and most importantly, it appeared to breathe. I recognized the face in an instant and clenched my hands into fists.

" _Severus,"_  I thought, " _Fuck."_

 

 

 

...HP/SS...


	9. Chapter 9

Strangely enough, Hermione was the only one that kept her wits about her, immediately shooting forward to offer help. Like a numb fool I stood rooted to the spot, trying to adjust to the unexpected fact that yes, Severus was back and yes, he seemed to be alive. Exactly how alive still remained to be seen. I realized the odds weren't good as I took in his appearance. Severus, unable to remain upright, had sagged against the wall, burying himself in the many layers of the tattered black robes he wore. This was bad.

I watched as Hermione crouched in front of him. She studied his features carefully for a moment and then she reached out to reluctantly shake his shoulder. Apparently she got no response, because she proceeded to patting his cheek with the back of her hand. The bundle of clothes didn't even stir.

Fears' fist brutally squished my heart. Certainly he was just unconscious? Hadn't I seen him breathe just a minute ago?

"Professor?" Hermione called softy, "Professor Snape?"

She shook his shoulder again and just when I feared it was a lost cause, he moved. Severus barked out a ghastly cough and his legs scrambled across the floor, trying to find purchase. Overwhelming relief washed over me; I nearly drowned in it. _He was going to be fine._

That thought was just what I needed to finally get my legs moving. I realized I had feared getting closer until I was absolutely sure he wasn't dead. What a coward I was.

I crouched down beside Hermione. What I was seeing didn't reassure me at all. Severus' already pale face was drained from what little color it had left and a fever held his trembling body in a tight grip. He was looking at me through half-lidded eyes, though I couldn't tell if he was really seeing me. I noticed a deep gash on his arm, liked he'd cut himself on a shard of glass. The wound was tied together with a ragged piece of cloth that had stopped the bleeding. Apparently it was a wound that Severus hadn't been able to heal by magic. I glanced up to see that Ron was still frozen in the same spot. Hermione, however hands-on she had first been, seemed at a loss as to what to do next.

Severus' frantic breathing had slowed down somewhat and I didn't know if that was a good sign. I put my hand on his sweaty forehead. It was a useless gesture since anyone could see he had a fever, but I needed to keep my hands busy as I tried to reign in the anger that had started bubbling just below the surface. I watched as Severus' clouded gaze became more focused.

"What happened?" I asked and I winced at the harshness in my voice. He didn't answer me of course. I hadn't expected him to, he was still too weak. I pulled my hand back.

"You have a high fever," I said. I knew I stated the obvious but I wanted to check if my words still made any sense to him. He looked about to pass out again.

"I'm taking you to the hospital wing," I decided, getting irritated for no reason at all.

Severus made to grasp my wrist, but his hand fell limply back to the floor.

"No," he finally managed to croak out, "It's all right."

He grappled around in an attempt to move into a sitting position and Hermione and I helped to pull him up carefully. He leaned his head against the stone wall and closed his eyes. I didn't dare release his arm in case he would slump down again.

"It sure as hell isn't all right," I muttered, "What happened?"

Severus just sat there. He seemed to be concentrating on breathing in and out. It took him a long time to answer my question.

"I was poisoned," he said hoarsely. His breath wheezed a bit. I had but to look at Hermione to know she was on the same page as me.

"But then we need to get you to the hospital wing as fast as possible," she proclaimed, frowning.

Severus slowly shook his head. It seemed to take a lot of effort to move his head from side to side.

"I already took an antidote," he rasped. He was pulled in by a coughing fit then, and I put my hand on his back, feeling the barks rumble through him. I was surprised it didn't really take him long to recover. He turned to me then, his eyes tired but clear.

"I just need blood replenishment potion," he told me, "It's in my private quarters. Can you take me there, Harry?"

I nodded warily, not sure if I was doing the right thing by listening to him. If it was up to me, he'd already be in the hospital wing. Ron and I helped him up with a huge effort and together we managed to drag Severus' uncooperative body along. Hermione followed in our wake.

"Do you know where it is?" Ron asked me, a hint of surprise in his voice. I just nodded; I didn't have time to make up a good excuse. When we'd finally reached Severus' rooms, panting, we realized he'd lost consciousness again. Knowing he wouldn't be able to grant us access to his private quarters, I cursed under my breath and quickly muttered the password, carefully avoiding looking at my friends. I knew it was as good as a confession. They didn't ask me anything though. We just carried Severus inside and Ron and I slowly lowered him onto the bed. He was still looking too pale.

"The blood replenishment potion," I reminded Ron and Hermione. We immediately began searching the room for the bottle. Hermione eventually found it in the drawer of his bedside table. Why the man kept a potion like that in there was a mystery to me, but I didn't dwell on it. I slipped Severus a few drops and was glad to see he had regained enough consciousness to swallow. There was nothing we could do then but wait until it worked. And luckily it did. As we waited, we watched the fever slowly seep out of him, minute after minute. Severus finally regained some color and I let out a relieved sigh.

"Feeling better already," Severus whispered.

I suspected him of downplaying the pain, so I put my hand on his forehead to check the fever.

" _Mmh, well, it's definitely better,"_ I grudgingly admitted to myself.

Severus put his hand on mine and groaned softly. I winced involuntarily and I was about to pull back my hand as Severus mumbled: "Thank you, Harry. Feels great. Almost like kissing you."

I watched as his lip pulled up at one corner and I kept my gaze trained on his face, not daring to look back at my friends behind me. After a moment Severus seemed to catch up. Eyes closed, he asked: "Ron and Hermione still here?"

"Yes," I answered quietly. I was surprised to see his lips curl up in a smile.

"Bummer," was all he said, "Guess the cat's out of the bag now."

"Seems like it," I muttered, sounding far more confident than I was. To change the subject I asked Severus where he'd been.

"Mission for the Order," he lied. I gritted my teeth. Severus brought his hand up to cover his eyes and said: "I'm sorry, Harry. Need to sleep now."

I nodded. A minute later he was snoring already. I waited a few moments to gather up the courage to face Ron and Hermione.

"It's all right if you go," I told them while I turned around, "I can take it from here."

As I had expected they just stared at me, confusion apparent on their faces. I sighed, feeling rather self-conscious.

"Someone needs to inform Dumbledore," I pressed.

Hermione seemed to shake herself awake and she nodded, although it wasn't with her usual vigor.

"Of course," she said in a small voice, "We'll send a patronus to him with a message."

"Great," I said.

She hesitated.

"Will you be all right, Harry?" she asked uncertainly. I mustered a smile for her.

"I will," I answered. I tried to put a lot of confidence in my voice but actually I was feeling numb.

"But…" Ron mumbled, obviously trying to wrap his head around what he'd just found out, "I mean… Snape…"

He cut himself off, shaking his head. I took a deep breath as I finished his sentence: "Won't be able to rape me in his current condition, I think."

I heard Severus' small chuckle. That fool always heard things he wasn't supposed to hear. I hadn't realized he had woken up again.

"A man can try," Severus said, smirking. I tried not to turn red and emphasized: "It's ok. Get Dumbledore."

Hermione understood and she said: "Come on, Ron. We've got to go."

She tugged at his hand and he reluctantly followed her out.

I sighed. Now Ron and Hermione knew as well. Great.

I turned around towards Severus and I noticed he was sleeping again. At first I thought he was pretending, but after a while he began to snore, so I let him sleep. I found some Essence of Dittany to heal the wound on his arm, but I wasn't sure what the effects would be on what I suspected to be a poisoned cut. I decided to ask Dumbledore first before I did something wrong. I pulled up a chair next to the bed and waited. What else was there to do?

After an hour or two, Severus woke up again. He rubbed his eyes and propped himself up against his pillow, yawning. He took in my frosty attitude and asked if I was all right. His voice was still thick with sleep. I shook my head in answer to his question. No, I most definitely wasn't _all right_.

"I'm sorry," Severus said, "I really thought that your friends had gone."

I shrugged and took the bottle with Essence of Dittany from the bedside table.

"Dumbledore knows as well," I told him offhand, "Is it all right if I put this on your wound?"

Severus blinked and I could tell he was taken aback for a moment. But, just as I'd expected, he quickly pulled himself together again. He investigated the bottle for exactly two seconds and nodded. I proceeded with taking care of the cut on his arm. Severus hissed when the liquid came into contact with his skin.

"I've been downright stupid," he muttered to himself, "I should have taken the blood replenishment potion with me. It could have saved me a lot of valuable time."

He glanced up at me and said: "Lucky you happened to be there. Half an hour later and the effects would have been far worse."

I dug my nails into my palms at his words and pressed the wads with the essence firmly against his arm. Severus winced and snatched the wads of cotton wool angrily out of my hand.

"I'll do that," he grumbled. I sat back in my chair. After a while curiosity got the better of him and he asked: "Why did you tell Dumbledore?"

He didn't seem angry, just mildly interested.

"I didn't," I answered, "He just guessed right."

Severus regarded me skeptically.

"What did you tell him?" he pressed.

"Well, I called you by your first name and he thought that was a bit strange. The next thing I knew, he'd guessed what was going on. I didn't even say anything."

Severus rolled his eyes at me.

"Let me guess," he said, "you couldn't help blushing?"

I shrugged and scratched at an imaginary spot on my knee, feeling annoyed.

"So what do we do now?" I asked. Severus sighed.

"I'll talk to Dumbledore," he told me. I stared at him.

"Do you think you could get into trouble?"

He chuckled. "I always get into trouble."

My gaze turned cold in an instant. _How true that was._

I pointed at the wound on his arm.

"Care to tell me where you got that?" I asked.

Severus kept his eyes on the wads as he said: "I told you. I was on a mission for Dumbledore."

I nodded.

"Dumbledore's been sending you out to destroy horcruxes these days?"

Severus didn't even look up. He just continued cleaning his wound.

"If you know already, then why do you ask?" was all he said.

That was it. I'd had enough. I flung myself at him and roughly grabbed his robe.

"Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Well, obviously you do now. What the hell were you thinking, Severus?" I growled at him. He pulled up an eyebrow. I was so mad I could have hit him.

"You would have preferred destroying them yourself perhaps?" Severus asked calmly. I shook him brutally, trying to get an emotion out of him, any emotion at all.

"Yes!" I yelled at him.

What was so difficult for him to understand?

Severus slapped me in the face."You idiot," he said. I glared at him.

"You don't even care what it would do to me if I lost you now, do you?" I bit.

"I don't have the faintest idea of what you're talking about," he replied.

I screamed at him, feeling utterly frustrated. I harshly pushed him back into his pillows; then I let go, suddenly repulsed. Tears stung my eyes as I shook my head.

"I can't do this, Severus," I said, "Call me a drama queen if you must. But I can't love you if you keep letting me smack against these walls."

I turned around to head for the door.

"Harry, wait," he said. He was quick to snatch my wrist.

"I'm sorry," he spoke softly, "That was out of line."

He tugged at my hand, inviting me to sit on the edge of the bed. I stubbornly remained standing.

Severus sighed and mumbled: "Suit yourself."

I pulled my hand back, crossed my arms and let him stare at me for a while. No way I was going to be the first to say something. It was him that had to make amends, not me. He coughed once. At least he had the decency to look remorseful.

"All right. What do you want to know?" he asked then.

My eyes flashed angrily.

"Easy question," I snapped, "I want to know why you left me here for two weeks, thinking you might have died."

Severus shrugged and explained: "I had to be secretive about it, Harry, as I still had my cover as a spy to maintain. I'm sorry, but I couldn't risk giving you a warning."

"Why didn't you take me along?" I asked, "I could have helped you."

Severus raised his eyebrows at that, as expected.

"Unlike Dumbledore I don't fancy exposing you to any real danger. Nobody will accuse me of being that irresponsible."

"I am not a child anymore," I replied.

Severus regarded me for a second. Then he shook his head and smiled indulgently.

"I know. I made sure of that."

I cursed under my breath, blushing. A few seconds passed in which I was at a loss for words. Severus reached for me, hooked his finger behind the waist band of my jeans and pulled me closer. I struggled only for a moment as he dragged me across the bed and nestled me against his side.

"You know I love you," he mumbled into my ear.

"I don't know that," I countered.

"You do," he said, "Why else would I have gone to destroy those horcruxes?"

I closed my eyes and gave a sob. The next moment I was whimpering like a child against his chest.

I stayed curled up against him for hours, allowing myself to slowly let go of the anger I'd been clutching close to me. When I finally asked him about it, he refused to talk about exactly what had happened, which horcruxes he'd found and how he'd managed to mislead Voldemort.

"That's my business," he had stated, "I will not let you in on my activities as a spy."

I had been too tired to push it.

" _Maybe later I will get more answers,"_ I thought, but then realized the unlikeliness of that assumption.

Severus carded his fingers slowly through my hair. I had already been half asleep when he asked me.

"Will you stay here tonight?"

It seemed only natural to agree. My last thought before I drifted off to sleep in his arms was that Severus was a hard man to be with. But not right then. 

 

…HP/SS…


	10. Chapter 10

"Mom…?" I whispered, "Dad?"

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was impossible. It couldn't be. I _knew_ I shouldn't get my hopes up. But at the same time I couldn't stop this bizarre giggle from bubbling up inside my chest.

They really were here. In this room. With me.

Once that conviction had settled inside my mind, I didn't waste any time in throwing myself at them. There were tears in their eyes, real tears, streaming down their cheeks. What could we do but lose ourselves in a blissful embrace?

Me. My mom. My dad.

We were together again. They were alive after all. That meant… that meant…

No more nightmares. No more Dursleys.

No more Voldemort.

As I contemplated that last thought, it hit me that _that_ couldn't be true. I knew for certain that Voldemort was still alive. With that realization the scene seemed to shift suddenly, like someone had switched on the light in a dimly lit room. One moment I was struggling to bury myself deeper inside my parents' embrace, the next I was trying to catch their attention to ask what was going on. Something was off about the whole situation. Any moment I would be able to put my finger on it.

It was then that the ticking began. At the same time my father put a warm hand on my cheek, a soft but distinct rhythm started pulsing inside my ear.

"Harry," he hesitantly called my name.

I stared at him, feeling confused.

 _"For Merlins' sake, what's that unnerving sound?"_ I thought. The room seemed to swim before my eyes and I swayed.

My father pulled me closer, but it felt awkward, like he was trapping me. I struggled to free myself and at that moment I realized where the ticking was coming from.

I wrung my eyes open. The hand on my cheek was still there. The sound of a watch was ticking against my ear. I turned my head to look at the warm body behind me. Severus. I groaned involuntarily.

It had been a dream, nothing more.

Severus was watching me intently, cradling me to him. I pulled at the hand that was cupping my cheek and used it to cover my eyes. I moaned deeply. It spoke for Severus that he didn't ask a single question. He was just there for me, allowing me to have my fit, while he gingerly rubbed my back.

After a while I felt I owed him an explanation, so I told him about the dream. He simply held me silently all the way through my story and caressed my hair. The gesture spoke clearly of all the things he didn't say. I couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corner of my mouth. Severus might not be like an actual father to me but maybe he was still the next best thing. Like a parent and a lover rolled into one.

" _Dangerous assessment,"_  I thought, " _Better not tell him or he would have me across his knee faster than I can say 'spanking'_." I wasn't sure how to feel about the twinge of arousal that flitted through me because of those thoughts.

Somewhere along the way – I really don't know how it happened – soothing turned into snogging as Severus' helpful tongue pushed the last bits of the dream to the back of my mind. Before I knew it I'd curled my arms and legs around his comforting frame and allowed myself to get lost in an endless succession of mind-blowing, wet kisses. Just as I'd started unbuttoning his robe, Severus' breathing became erratic and he gently pulled back, holding my face in both of his hands. He was watching me with a thoughtful look on his face and a slight smirk played around his swollen lips. As he continued to gaze at me but didn't make a move, I began to feel awkward.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him.

"I'm thinking about what I wouldn't give to fuck you raw right now," he replied. I stared at him, taken aback by his harsh words. Then I started to laugh.

"My, you _are_ getting old…" I chuckled. Severus narrowed his eyes.

"And why is that?" he queried.

"Well, perhaps you haven't noticed, but I am here. As in: available."

Severus nearly choked in the little snicker that escaped his lips and I smiled at him. He coughed and as he quickly pulled himself together he gave me a teasingly stern look. In what I thought was a very good imitation of himself he tried to correct his slip-up: "I mean: watch your tongue, boy. Or do you want me to have your ass across my knee again?"

I fell completely in love with the amusement that played in his eyes and I blurted out: "When it comes to me, you can have it all. You know that."

He chuckled warmly and pulled me in a close embrace.

"Impatient little lion," he muttered against my ear, "I fully intend to make love to you. Just not right now. I did get poisoned yesterday."

I buried my face in his chest hair and inhaled his scent deeply.

"When then?" I asked.

"Mmh?"

"When will you make love to me?" I repeated, knowing only too well I was sounding like a child.

He lifted my chin with his finger to look me in the eye. For some reason his breath hitched and I wondered what he was seeing.

"Merlin, you look so…"

He didn't finish his sentence, but something akin to pain flitted through his gaze. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips clumsily against mine. I had the distinct feeling he pulled me into a kiss to silence me, but I knew better than to comment.

After a while he drew back and muttered: "I think it's best if you go now, Harry. My guess is that Ron and Hermione will want to have a word with you."

I grimaced and for a moment I wanted to ask him if I really needed to do this alone. But then I knew: of course I had to face them myself.

"When…" I started to ask.

"I will call on you when I feel better, Harry. Trust me."

I blushed as I realized I hadn't even asked him if he was all right.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. I'll be fine," he just said, "I think I just need a few more days to return to full strength. You can visit me any time if you want to."

I nodded and pulled him into a vice-like hug. He groaned and chuckled at the same time.

"Thank you for letting me stay the night," I said. He just smiled.

"My pleasure entirely," he replied. I grinned and softly punched his shoulder.

"If you're going to molest a poor old man like me, then I was right in deciding to throw you out."

"Poor old man indeed," I repeated as I got out of the bed and walked to the door.

"Goodbye, Harry," Severus said.

"Bye, old bugger," I replied. "Make sure you don't fall."

I just barely had time to dodge the slipper he threw at me.

 

 

 

…HP/SS…


	11. Chapter 11

I had never been so nervous to face my friends. Never been more anxious to know their opinion just as well. I knew I could trust Hermione and Ron to give a fair judgement; they were my friends after all. But that didn't bring me one step closer to going in there to have the conversation that might irreversibly change our friendship.

"Now, are you finally going to make a decision?" the portrait of the Fat Lady asked annoyed. Almost ten minutes now I'd been pacing in front of the portrait hole that gave access to the Common Room. It was Sunday morning, half past nine. Normally my friends and I could be found in the Common Room then, lazing after breakfast. But today was anything but normal. The fact that I'd just spent my first night with Severus was proof of that. Probably Ron and Hermione assumed that we had sex. I would jump to the same conclusion if I'd been in their shoes. I turned red and cursed under my breath. Those kind of thoughts didn't make it any easier. What in Merlin's name was I going to tell them?

All the way to the Common Room I'd been thinking about what I would say. How would I explain that first kiss? That I just allowed it to happen? And everything that came after that too? That sounded rather cheap to me. Maybe I was.

How could I explain why I ended up falling for Severus when I didn't even know myself how it had happened? Severus, whom we had all laughingly called _'the greasy dungeon bat of hell'_. And here I was. On my knees for the man. There was no way I was going to be able to give them a reason for my behavior. I might as well not try at all and answer any of their questions with " _I don't know_ ". I sighed and finally muttered the password to the portrait.

Ron and Hermione were sitting in front of the fireplace, staring into the flames. They weren't speaking to each other, but I assumed they'd done quite a lot of talking the previous night. My friends looked a little lost, huddled together like that, and I felt an unexpected aching fondness for them. They must have been worried about me when I didn't come back.

When Hermione saw me standing in the doorway, she jumped up and called out my name in obvious relief. Then she hesitated awkwardly, wondering maybe how to proceed. She looked like she wanted to hurl herself at me and fling her arms around me, but was afraid to do so. Ron had remained on the couch and was staring at me with a sour look on his face. So it was going to be a hard conversation after all. I sighed. I hadn't truly expected them to embrace me and act as if nothing was wrong, had I?

It began to dawn on me that other people in the room were watching us. Seamus and Dean, who were playing a game of Exploding Snap at a table in the far corner of the room, had interrupted their game and were looking curiously in our direction. And Neville, who was busy with his Herbology homework that was due next Wednesday, was obviously wondering what was going on. I realized that meant that Ron and Hermione hadn't told anyone else about it, and a rush of relief went through me. It seemed I had taken it for granted that they would keep this to themselves like only best friends would and this proved to me once more that they really were. I knew I owed them an explanation, or at least an attempt at it. So I made a gesture with my head to indicate they should follow me. I turned around and climbed back through the portrait hole. I ignored the snide remark the portrait of the Fat Lady made, too relieved to find that my friends were actually coming after me. We walked silently through the corridors. The tension between us was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I led them out of the castle, into the Hogwarts grounds, where I deemed it less likely we would be interrupted. A slight drizzle was weeping down on us. I still didn't know how to begin. We had been wandering around for a while when Hermione asked in a small voice: "Harry, is it really true?"

I took a brief look at them and immediately glanced away again. Their expressions just made me sad. Hermiones' eyes were filled with worry and Ron didn't seem to be able to keep the look of disgust off his face.

"I know you don't approve…," I said, trying to keep a steady voice.

"Of course we don't, Harry," Hermione exclaimed, "He's a teacher, for Merlin's sake!"

I swallowed back the lump in my throat.

"I know," I muttered and I jumped as Ron suddenly grabbed my arm and shook me.

"Never mind that," he practically growled, "He's Snape, Harry! He's a Death Eater! For all you know, he could be delivering crucial information about you to Voldemort right now!"

"I know," I grumbled, wondering why I was behaving like such a coward. I wasn't protecting Severus at all, reacting like this.

"How can you let that greasy, stinking, awful bastard come close to you like that?" Ron continued hotly, "I thought you hated him, Harry!"

"I know!" I yelled and roughly pulled my arm away from his grasp, "Don't you think I don't know all those things? I can't help it, all right!"

Ron took a step back and looked at me like he'd never seen me before. He suddenly seemed very tired. I had to blink back tears and tried to pull myself together again. This wasn't the end of the world. They just needed time to adjust to the idea, that was all. We would get over this.

"Please tell me you aren't really seeing Snape," Ron almost begged then. I clenched my teeth and shook my head. I just wanted our friendship to be normal again, but I couldn't lie. I loved Severus and I realized that I had just done a poor job in standing up for him. I needed to do better than that.

Ron was working himself into a frenzy again and he called out, grabbing my shoulder: "Harry, listen to me. Snape obviously put you under the Imperius Curse, of course. That's why…"

"I don't think so, Ron," I cut him off before he could say any more. I noticed I was slowly getting annoyed at their reaction.

"But you wouldn't know that, would you?" Ron explained, "If you're under the Imperius Curse, you wouldn't be aware of it."

"Fine then," I snapped, "Since you're so desperate to find out! There must be some kind of spell to check if someone's being Imperiused, isn't there?"

I looked at Hermione for help, but all I found was a girl on the verge of tears. I really couldn't use that right now. I shook her and called out her name. She looked at me with fearful eyes and I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. I repeated my question.

"Yes, there is a way to find out," she said. Her voice sounded hoarse.

"Do it," I ordered. She gazed at me like she didn't understand what I was talking about, but when I didn't say anything, she pulled out her wand and whispered: "Incantatem Revelium."

I felt her magic poke tenderly around under my skull, but nothing happened. Hermione lowered her wand. We just stood there, letting the rain soak us as the truth sank in with my friends.

"Look, I know this sounds really stupid, but, well, it all just happened. I can't explain it, but you can be sure he's not forcing me. I've come to love Severus. And I trust him, all right?"

"O, so it's ' _Severus_ ' already, is it?" Ron asked unpleasantly.

I raised my eyebrows at him, feeling annoyed.

"Would you rather I called him _'my sweetheart'_?" I replied.

Ron shot me a positively nasty look and I knew that this was going to end badly.

"I'm curious," he said, "What do you do then, when you two 're cozily huddled up together in his room?"

"Ron!" Hermione scolded him.

I sighed and I could feel the anger weigh on my shoulders like a heavy gorilla had just climbed up my neck.

"Things you can only dream off, Ron," I blurted out without thinking. I noticed Hermione giving me a strange look. Ron shoved her away and the next moment he was in my face. I had to fight to keep myself under control.

"You like it then?" he asked, "Snogging him?"

The rage that chased through my veins didn't feel hot; it was ice cold. I knew I was losing what little common sense I still had, as I heard myself bark out a laugh.

"Snogging?" I repeated arrogantly, "Ron, please! We have better things to do."

Why I said it? I have no idea. I sure hadn't planned on it to turn into a nasty shouting match. I watched as Ron turned pale, feeling sick to the stomach myself.

"You're actually letting him shag you?" Ron asked appalled. I looked at my best friend through narrowed eyes, and gave him the silent treatment. His mouth twitched.

"That's _gross,"_ he finally spat out, revolted.

"Well then, I guess it is," I barked back. Hermione had begun to cry and I felt a pang of guilt. This had to be difficult for her as well. In a sudden attempt to explain everything, I said in a rush: "Hermione, listen to me. It's all right. He takes care of me."

"I bet he does," Ron interrupted cruelly, "I'm sure he has you on your back 24/7, doesn't he?"

The utter look of surprise on Ron's face as my fist collided with his cheek burned inside my mind. Hadn't he really seen it coming? It was almost impossible to believe. I was still shaking with anger as I took a step towards Ron, who was clutching his eye. Ron staggered back and I had an absurd feeling of victory all of a sudden.

"He does," I bit at him, "Deal with it."

Ron glared at me. When he realized I wasn't going to back down, he cursed and ran back to the castle, like a real coward. I was left behind with a sobbing Hermione.

"Great conversation," I muttered, "Very civil and all."

"O Harry…," Hermione hiccupped and then broke into a new succession of tears.

I ignored her and sat down on the lawn in front of the castle. The rain had long since stopped bothering me. I sat there for a few minutes, listening to Hermione's sniveling. I knew it wasn't really kind of me to let her stand there like that, but I wasn't the right person to comfort her right then. After a while she gingerly sat down next to me and I watched her efforts as she tried to pull herself together. She worked to get her voice steady and asked, stuttering only once: "What… exactly happened then, Harry?"

I told her everything. Just like that. I told her about the Occlumency lessons and how Severus had found out about my uncle's abuse. Her breath hitched at that and I remembered she hadn't yet known what I had to endure from Uncle Vernon every summer. So I explained that as well, and told her about the understanding reaction I had gotten from Severus and how it had brought us closer. I talked about everything that led up to that first kiss and how I'd fallen in love with him during our secret meetings.

"Have you ever seen Severus so much as crack a smile, Hermione?" I asked her. She shook her head.

"Well, I hate to brag, but I make him laugh all the time. So that makes me think he loves me too," I stated. She looked at me doubtfully.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but I still think Dumbledore should be informed about this," she proclaimed, "I mean, Severus _is_ a teacher and you're a student. It doesn't seem right."

"No need, Hermione," I reassured her, "Dumbledore knows already."

"He knows?" she asked, taken aback, "How?"

I shrugged. "I accidentally let it slip out during our latest meeting. Stupid, really."

Hermione blinked at me, then made a gesture for me to continue.

"How did he react?"

"I think he's as worried as you are," I admitted, "But he seems to be allowing it. My guess is he'll find a way to keep a discreet eye on us."

"That's good," Hermione nodded. Then, seeing the frown on my face, she added: "Don't get me wrong, Harry, but I think it's good a few people know about it."

"Why?" I queried, knowing already what she was going to say. The look of hesitation that crossed her face made me even more certain.

"Well, if Severus were to hurt you…," she began.

"Hermione…," I complained, but she interrupted me quickly.

"I'm not saying he will, Harry. But if, then you at least have someone to go to," she finished.

"You really don't trust him, do you?" I asked. She just shrugged.

"If you knew him like I do…," I began, but interrupted myself as I caught the scowl on her face.

"Better not finish that sentence," I muttered, shaking my head. I was rewarded with a careful smile.

Hermione rubbed her eyes and got up, grunting.

"Come on," she said, "Let's head back to the castle. I'm starting to freeze out here."

As we walked back, she gave my hand a gentle squeeze and held it until we reached the Common Room. I was comforted by her warm, accepting hand and I let out an involuntary sigh of relief. Maybe things would work out just fine after all.

 

 

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

Later that day, after I'd successfully avoided Ron, showered, made some homework and had dinner, I snuck back to Severus' quarters under my Invisibility Cloak. I'd managed to whisk away a few chicken drums and some bread for Severus and I'd put them in a bag. He must be hungry by now.

I wasn't really surprised to find Dumbledore sitting there. What caught me off guard was that Severus was out of bed. He was leaning against the window sill and he looked paler than that morning. _Stubborn man_. He wouldn't get the chance to heal properly if he kept overexerting himself. I was about to rebuke him when I took in the silent atmosphere in the room. Dumbledore was looking at me with the same mild interest as always.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked, as my stomach clenched in anxiety.

"Not at all, Harry," Dumbledore replied, "Severus and I were just finishing our conversation."

I wasn't reassured, so I looked at Severus. I could see he was tired, but he still had a smile for me.

"Professor Dumbledore seems to be under the impression that I might not be able to take proper care of you, Harry," Severus explained.

"You misinterpret me, Severus," Dumbledore objected, while pinching his nose, "I didn't say that."

I smiled and replied: "Funny, Ron and Hermione seem to think along the same line."

Severus chuckled. "I bet they do."

I shrugged and said: "Perhaps they're right. I _am_ quite a handful after all."

It didn't slip my attention that Dumbledore shifted in his seat. I sensed he was getting uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going, but I thought it was a good thing that he saw just how easily Severus and I got along.

Severus crossed his arms in front of his chest and replied: "You are indeed. But nothing I can't handle, of that I'm sure."

He winked at me and I grinned.

"I do love it when you handle me," I blurted out. I instantly realized that I had taken our little game too far. As Dumbledore coughed and got up from his seat, I blushed furiously and Severus threw his head back and howled with laughter.

"Merlin, did I really say that out loud?" I muttered, keeping my gaze down.

"I assure you I didn't hear a thing, Harry," Dumbledore replied, "But forgive me for taking it as my cue to leave."

Dumbledore patted my shoulder as he walked to the door and I looked up to see him smiling at me.

"It's nice to see you in such a buoyant mood, Harry," he said and with that remark he was gone. Severus and I looked at each other for a moment, feeling rather amused and then shrugged at the same time.

"You," I said, as I walked over to him, "You need to get back into bed. You need to rest, Severus."

He rolled his eyes at me, but did as he was told. I noticed the plate on his night table.

"I see you've already eaten."

He nodded and explained that Dumbledore had assigned one of the house elves to take care of his food. I put the small bag I brought on his plate and ordered him to eat it if he got hungry tonight.

"Did you take enough of the blood replenishment potion today?" I asked.

I was busy tucking him in, but he lightly grasped my wrist.

"Please don't push it, Harry," was all he said. He wasn't angry, he just stated it calmly. I didn't exactly know why, but I blushed.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"There's no need for that," he told me, "Why don't you tell me about your talk with Ron and Hermione?"

I sat down on the edge of his bed and recounted everything that had happened today. Severus didn't seem surprised.

"I think you need to leave Ron alone for a while," he warned, "Give him some time to sort out his thoughts. My guess is he'll come around eventually."

We made small talk for about thirty more minutes, until I noticed Severus trying to stifle a yawn.

"I'll let you sleep," I said and got up from the bed. I gave him a kiss on his forehead. He watched me as I pulled the Invisibility Cloak over my head and disappeared from view. He considered me for a few seconds - or at least he considered the space I had just occupied – and remarked: "That cloak is truly an astounding gift you got, Harry."

"I got it from my father," I informed him.

"I know. Dumbledore told me."

"Oh?"

Severus chuckled and explained: "Yes, I think he foresaw the mischief you would be up to with this cloak in your possession. He asked me to keep an eye on you."

"But you can't see me when I'm under the cloak," I pointed out.

"Indeed, Harry," Severus replied, "But I _can_ read your mind, even without seeing you."

I remained silent for a while.

"Harry?" Severus asked.

"It seems to me then that you didn't always succeed in keeping an eye on me," I just said.

Severus smiled.

"Do tell," he said.

"I don't think so," I grinned, "But I've just realized this opens a whole new world of possibilities. You better be careful, Severus. I might just sneak in one of these nights to give you a blowjob under that cloak."

"You wouldn't dare," he growled. I laughed.

"Watch me," I warned, "Sleep tight, Severus."

"You too, Harry. Don't worry too much."

As I silently left the room and headed back to Gryffindor Tower, I contemplated that things were going rather well for us, given the circumstances. Three people knew about us now, and still nothing had dramatically changed. All right, Ron was mad at me, but I hoped that would pass like it always did. Everybody kept their mouths shut and I was able to see Severus whenever I chose to. We had handled it all quite well, indeed. Maybe, if we were very careful, I would be able to spend more nights with Severus without it being noticed. I dared to hope for it because the feeling that spread through me as I contemplated the possibility made a smile appear on my face.

 

 

 

…HP/SS…


	12. Chapter 12

Life continued at its normal pace the next few weeks. I noticed Hermione made an effort in spending an unusual amount of time by my side, whether to make me feel supported or to keep an eye on me, I didn't know. Probably a bit of both. Ron mostly avoided me whenever he could, feigning illnesses so he wouldn't have to attend Quidditch trainings. As much as I'd hated it I had to replace him. Ron didn't seem to mind at all; Hermione told me he just shrugged when he'd heard the news. Ginny was now Keeper in his stead. My teammates all asked me if I knew what was going on with Ron. I wasn't going to stand up for him, so I told them things like: "Probably going through a difficult bout of puberty, I guess" or "We all know Ron and his flair for dramatics". I didn't particularly feel good about saying those things behind his back, especially since he seemed to be keeping his mouth shut about Severus and me, but his stubbornness was aggravating. In classes Ron was always sitting beside Neville now, pretending I didn't exist. I hated it that his behavior got under my skin so easily. What were we, first years?

"Why can't he be normal for once?" I asked Hermione, watching Ron storm out at the end of a Transfiguration class. Hermione slowly tucked her books away, seeming to think about how to phrase what she was going to say.

"I know you are angry, Harry," she finally said, "You have every right to be. But in your anger you did say some hurtful things to him last time."

"Hermione, he practically called me a whore."

She didn't comment, rubbed her forehead and merely said: "Let's head for lunch."

Potions had become a tricky affair. Since Severus had returned, I was on the edge of my seat every single lesson to make sure that if Ron made a dubious remark, I would be able to counter it. But again Ron kept silent, his glares the only proof of the emotions that were rolling inside of him. Hermione's behavior towards Severus was awkward. Her hand shot up about fifty times each lesson to ask him questions on how to proceed with whatever potion she was brewing at that moment. Each time Severus patiently gave her the answers she most likely already knew. She often lagged behind after class to interrogate him about some stupid homework assignment and every time Severus made it clear with his eyes that I was to leave the classroom.

"Why does she do that?" I asked him eventually. Severus watched me sulk and smiled.

"Well Harry, I think because she wants me to know she's keeping an eye on me," Severus said.

I sighed. "I wish she'd stop that."

"She's worried about you," Severus replied, "I think this is her way of convincing herself I'm still a responsible person and not only a teacher molesting a student."

"You are not molesting me!" I protested.

"I'm not sure people look at it that way."

"But they don't know you at all!"

"Exactly my point, Harry," Severus answered, then sighed, "It doesn't matter really. I'm glad Hermione is a friend that seems to be sticking by your side. At least out of the two of them, you get to keep the better one."

I just mock-punched his shoulder. Sometimes it's better not to comment at all.

 

…HP/SS…

 

From one day to the next it began to snow on the grounds of Hogwarts, leaving the Quidditch pitch tucked in under an impeccable white blanket. I'd decided to postpone our weekly training because it wouldn't do squinting around for the Snitch in this weather. Hermione was busy doing her homework for Herbology and Ron was as usual nowhere to be found. I came to the conclusion that I needed some time alone, so I climbed up the Astronomy Tower with _The Weird Sisters_ on my MP3 player. I gazed at the falling snow for a while. When I looked through the circular window I could just make out Hagrid's cabin on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It seemed to me that Hagrid was chopping wood in the snow.

 _"He must be freezing his toes off,"_  I thought. I was just wondering if I should go out and offer him help when two sneaky hands slipped under my robe. My heart crashed in my chest. I hadn't heard him coming up behind me because of the music that was pounding in my ears.

"Bloody hell, Severus!" I gasped, "You nearly gave me heart failure!"

I ripped out the ear buds and struggled to turn around, but he held on to me tightly.

"I'm sorry," Severus apologized. I whipped my head around to try to get him into view.

"Haven't you got anything better to do than sneaking up on people?"

"Hush, Harry. I already said I was sorry. Did you expect me to just walk on by when you were standing here with your butt so enticingly jutting out?"

"What?" I asked incredulous and in spite of myself I smiled.

"Severus Snape, are you talking dirty to me? In public?"

"Merlin, no," he chuckled, "Wouldn't dream of it. But... Well, since we do seem to be all alone up here…"

I quickly made to check if he was right, but Severus was faster. He brought his lips to my ear and continued in an amused voice: "How would you like me to corrupt you thoroughly tonight?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Honestly, Severus…"

"Ssh, don't answer me yet," he whispered, as he captured my wrists and pressed me bodily against the window.

"Severus, please. Someone might see us," I complained. But all he did was worry my earlobe with his teeth.

"I would just love…"

I gasped as his hand slid into my pants and a quick finger slipped between my butt cheeks.

"…to tarnish that little virgin sanctuary of yours."

A blush crept onto my face. Was this really Severus? I was a little embarrassed and at the same time incredibly turned on. So swift it was almost rough he spun me around to face him. His eyes roamed over me and I mumbled, feeling a bit childish: "Please don't."

Severus shook his head indulgently and took my face between his hands.

"Let's just do it tonight," he spoke softly, "Don't you think we've earned it?"

I squirmed under his open, honest gaze, not sure how to answer him.

"Are you… I mean…do you really want to…?"

"You would make me a very happy man, Harry," was all he said.

I pretended to hesitate, then thought " _Screw it all_ " and nodded.

He smiled and gave me a quick peck on the mouth.

"Looking forward to it," he grinned. He turned around and left me there, and only then did my knees start to shake.

 

…HP/SS…

 

Though I'd been trying very hard to keep the feeling at bay, still reluctance stole through me when I paused in front of Severus' door that evening. _Was I really going to carry on with this?_

" _Of course you will,"_ the little impertinent voice in me urged me on, " _You're just too curious, admit it_."

Nevertheless, my hand twitched on the door handle. I scoffed at my own cowardice and pushed the door open.

Severus was sitting behind his desk, bent over a book, hand twisted in his hair. A picture of concentration, it seemed. Like he, unlike me, hadn't been counting down the hours all day long. Only the fact that the book still lay open on the very first page made me wonder if his mind perhaps had been elsewhere. He looked up and his eyes automatically softened when he spotted me. He gestured for me to come in. I walked over to him to sit on his desk and for a while we just assessed each other, trying to hold off on conversation for as long as we could. Severus was wearing a white linen shirt that I'd never seen on him before. It suited him well. Pity he wouldn't be wearing it for long.

"So," he said with a confident finality that made me smile.

"So," I confirmed, nodding. He smiled back at me and relaxed into his chair. I let my eyes wander around the room, noticing the freshly made bed. I realized he'd put on new sheets, warmer ones. It could get cold in his room at night, but I'd never had a reason to complain about that before. My gaze fell onto his bedside table.

"You lit some candles," I observed.

"Yes, I wouldn't want you to get the impression this would be over in five minutes," he muttered.

"How considerate," I remarked dryly, but couldn't keep the grin from my face. Severus inclined his head. _Always the gentleman_.

I pulled the bottle of wine from underneath my robes and put it in front of him.

"I brought this," I said, rubbing my thumb over a spot on his desk, "You know, for the nerves."

I was relieved to see the understanding smile on Severus' face. He picked up the bottle and studied it for a few seconds before placing it back.

"Let's drink this afterwards, Harry," he suggested, "As a celebration."

I looked up at him and watched him scrutinize my face.

"I don't want you intoxicated with alcohol when we do this," he explained more fully.

I nodded, and my finger returned to tracing a pattern on his desk. Severus got up from his chair then and, despite everything, I could feel myself tense. Still, I forced my eyes to meet his as I didn't want him to think I was dispassionate.

"About tonight, Harry," he said, "Forgive me for being so straightforward, but I want you to know I've had a change of mind. You should be the one to fuck me instead of the other way around."

I gaped at him. Had he just really thrown in my face that I should take the lead?

"Erm…," I muttered, scratching my head, "Why?"

Severus' face softened at my obvious insecurity.

"It's your first time, I presume?"

"Well, yes," I muttered confused, "But…"

"Since this is your initiation, Harry, I think you deserve to be in control. Don't you think so?"

I hesitated a moment, but couldn't find a reason why I shouldn't. I just wanted to begin this because my nerves were killing me so I got up and nodded. He examined me appreciatively and I smiled a shy smile. He undid his tie and nonchalantly tossed it at me. Despite my Quidditch reflexes, I barely caught it.

"You should tie me," he said quietly. I contemplated the piece of cloth in my hand, then closed my eyes in despair. This was so typically him. Why make it easy after all?

"For Merlin's sake, Severus," I sighed, "Can't we just have normal sex?"

His face didn't betray any sign of humor as he replied: "Not with me."

I watched him unbutton his shirt and ran a nervous hand through my hair.

"You'll stop me when I do something stupid, right?" I asked him.

"Harry, you've driven me insane before, I'm sure you can do it again."

He made a show of slowly pulling off his clothes and when he'd finished he took me over to his bed.

He saw me watching the tie ambiguously and ordered softly: "Do it, Harry."

I grimaced.

"Are you sure?" I asked him one last time. He just nodded.

"All right, Severus. Whatever works for you," I sighed. And I bound his wrists together to the bedpost.

 

 

 

 

_…HP/SS…_

 

Relief washed over me as Severus' eyes finally rolled back in pleasure while I made a good meal out of his cock. It had taken me several minutes before he had so much as elicited a groan. Why he held on to this teeth-clenched silence, I didn't know. It was driving me insane. I felt much more comfortable with a dominant Severus, ordering me around, than with this nearly mute man who seemed to be restraining himself with unnerving vigor.

"Am I doing something wrong?" I asked, when I couldn't stand the insecurity any longer.

Severus let out his breath with a shockingly loud, choked gasp.

"Q…Quite the opposite," he groaned, voice tight, 'Now get the bloody hell on with it, Harry!"

I examined him briefly and couldn't deny that his cock and every other muscle in his body were tensed to the extreme. Maybe he was closer than I thought. So I took him in my mouth again and not a minute later I succeeded in coaxing out his orgasm. His whole body went taut against my face as I felt his cock shudder and gush inside my mouth. I had to swallow twice and enjoyed the all but incomprehensible string of profanities he uttered. If I hadn't known any better I would have said he was possessed.

"You know, you've really got quite a foul mouth," I remarked when he'd come down from his high a bit. His grin was relaxed as he asked: "Does it bother you?" He didn't really seem to care for the answer.

"Not in the least," I replied, "I think I like it better when I can hear that you're enjoying it. You were so silent at first, I was sure I was going about it the wrong way."

He shook his head and looked at me like I was a child that needed berating.

"Harry, stop being insecure and kiss me with that smeared mouth of yours," he ordered softly. All it took was one look at my tied up lover to make up my mind. I climbed on top of him and slipped my tongue in his mouth. He tasted faintly of the orange he'd eaten at dinner. I clenched my legs around his thigh and groaned into our kiss, pressed my cock against his warm flesh. _I needed something more. I needed…_

I pulled myself up and in a haze I brushed the tip of my cock against his lips. For a moment I wondered if I was being too bold, but before I'd even finished the thought my entire cock had disappeared in his mouth. I nearly fell over from shock and had to brace myself against his shoulders. The feeling of the warmth, the wetness… It was almost too much. And the sight… The sight of his mouth filled with…

 _Dear Merlin_. I dug my fingernails in his shoulders and closed my eyes, the enticing image burning in my mind. My head fell back on its own accord and I could hear a buzz inside my ears. My breath came in shallow pants and I knew I was moments away from being swept completely off my feet. Severus pulled back then and he asked in a harsh voice if I was ready. I let out a frustrated whine and grabbed his ears to make him continue what he was doing. But he wasn't having that.

"Fuck me, Harry," he ordered.

All I knew was that I needed to come. Desperately. I could barely think straight; desire was running through my mind, wreaking havoc on my thoughts. I remember frantically grabbing his legs and spreading them. I remember lifting him up, needing all my strength to raise his hips from the bed. At that moment a grunted comment with the potential of ruining everything slipped accidently from my mouth: "Merlin Severus, you're heavy."

His eyes abruptly flew open and I froze, afraid he would be angry. In any other situation I was sure he would have punished me, but I guess that in that moment his need was just as pressing as mine.

"Subtle as a dinosaur, aren't you?" he muttered with narrowed eyes. He seemed to be letting me off the hook.

I tightened my grip on his hips and panted: "Shut it, Severus, I'm trying to fuck you here."

He made to say something – wanted to have the last word, I guess- and in a moment of mindless bravery, or utter stupidity, I grabbed my wand and cast a silencing charm on him. I would always remember the look that crossed his face. First irritation for being denied speech. Then admiration for having the guts to do this to him. And finally confused desire as he realized I had not only bound but gagged him as well. I didn't leave myself any time to think things through and entered him. The yelp that came out of his mouth was perfectly silent.

If I'd believed his mouth was hot, it was nothing compared to the tightness that clenched around me right then. Almost automatically I began to move back and forth, rashly seeking the friction I needed so bad. I _tried_ to be gentle, I really did. After all, I didn't know if I was hurting him, since he couldn't tell me and he kept his eyes closed. But a moment later he surprised me by remarking dryly: "You don't expect me to believe that is all you've got, Harry?"

That was all the encouragement I needed. In the few minutes that followed, I made sure Severus had his teeth clenched together tightly. If he didn't want me to hold anything back, I wouldn't. Even though it was the first time, I made love to him like it would be the last. Frantically. Animal-like.

I always heard people say that climaxing inside a lover feels like collapsing. And when I finally came undone, it was exactly like that. I collapsed. The sheer force of it almost crippled me and I crashed on top of him. I think I might have yelled his name, I wasn't sure. The muscles in my arms trembled as I rode my orgasm out until the end. Severus' stomach was sticky against my chest. I hadn't noticed he'd come as well. I closed my eyes in utter bliss.

"Damn it, that was just about perfect." I sighed and hugged myself closer to his chest. When I didn't get a response, I looked up at him and assessed the expression on his face. He appeared a little disheveled, like a person would look when he was just thoroughly fucked, but otherwise seemed all right.

"You okay?" I asked him nevertheless.

His glazed eyes became focused and he smiled at me.

"I'm fine," he said softly, "I think I might just need that glass of wine now."

I smirked and got up, feeling a bit shaky. My knees felt like jelly. I filled a glass and returned to the bed with it.

"You would tell me if I'd hurt you, wouldn't you?" I asked him, letting him sip from the wine.

"I would, Harry," he told me, "Don't worry. It was amazing."

Satisfied, I allowed myself to settle against him and the next few minutes we just shared the wine in companionable silence, luxuriating in the afterglow of our climax.

After a while, Severus fidgeted restlessly and asked: "Would you mind untying me, Harry? It's starting to feel a bit uncomfortable."

I tensed and drew in a deep breath.

_So this was the moment then. No point in putting it off any longer._

"I want to ask you something first," I said against his chest.

"Mmh?" he mumbled, nuzzling his face in my hair.

I got up and put some distance between us. The serious look on my face didn't seem to register with him. He just smiled lazily up at me. I pinched a piece of the blanket between my fingers, hesitating.

"Why do you love me?" I asked.

_There. I'd said it._

"Because you look so much…"

Severus cut himself off mid-sentence and fixed his gaze on me. His mouth fell open slightly as the truth sank in.

"You slipped me Veritaserum?" he asked quietly. I stared back at him. I didn't dare avert my eyes.

For a moment, just for a moment, he looked truly impressed and I began to hope that he might let me get away with this. But then his gaze turned dark and from the seething look he gave me I could tell I was in deep, deep, deep trouble…

 

…HP/SS…


	13. Chapter 13

Gone was his calm appearance. Severus, consumed with anger, tried to push himself up against his pillow and pulled at the bindings on his wrists in an attempt to get closer to me. When he realized it was useless, he started barking out one insult after the other. He called me an irresponsible mongrel. A filthy little hypocrite. A back-stabbing coward. I had expected all of that. What I couldn't understand was, just below the surface, the look of panic in his eyes. Hatred, yes. But panic? I put more distance between us just to be safe.

"Do you realize you could have poisoned me?" he yelled. Even through his fury I could taste the disappointment in his words. I felt a pang of guilt which I quickly tried to smother. I couldn't afford to lose my wits. I had prepared this so well.

"I wouldn't have poisoned you."

I stated it quietly, realizing it helped me in keeping my voice steady.

"You wouldn't, would you?" he spat without much dignity, "You stupid imp! Where did you get this potion?"

There really was no point in lying, so I told him the truth: "I stole it from your cabinet."

Severus' eyes narrowed, but he didn't look surprised.

"So you just assumed it would be reliable enough to use on me, did you? How heartbreaking to notice how much you care for my safety!"

"Severus," I replied, putting as much authority in my voice as I could muster. His eyes flashed angrily at the use of his name. I faltered for a second, then pulled myself together and continued as calmly as I could: "Do you really think I would slip you a potion I hadn't tested out on myself first?"

He glared at me, but it seemed his resolve wavered for just a second. However, a second was all I needed.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I really am. But I have a strong suspicion you are keeping something important from me and I need to know what it is." I tried to make it sound like what I'd done made perfect sense and was only to be expected. I think I only fooled myself though.

Nevertheless, the unthinkable happened. I watched as Severus' mask of anger fell off and thudded to the ground. Behind the mask he looked so vulnerable that I barely recognized him. He closed his eyes in despair.

"You stubborn child!" he groaned, "What have you done? You're really going to make me say it, are you?"

My stomach clenched in anxiety.

"So it's true?" I asked, "I haven't been imagining it?"

I didn't really expect an answer. Didn't get one either.

"Is it that bad?" I inquired. I noticed my hands had started to tremble. He threw me an agonized look.

"Of course it is!" he exclaimed, "Honestly Harry, what had you expected?"

I nearly choked on the sudden fear that lunged for my throat. For the first time I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I'd been so intent on knowing the truth, I hadn't really considered that I might get hurt in the process. I tried to find my initial determination and took a deep breath.

"I don't know what to expect, as a matter of fact," I whispered truthfully, "I just want you to be honest with me."

I hesitated and added, hoping this would make him comprehend: "You see, not only _your_ feelings are at stake here, Severus. I'm involved in this as well. I don't know what it is you're hiding, but don't you think it's only reasonable that I want to know where I stand?"

Severus sighed and sank back against his pillows. All the fight had gone out of him and there was only bitterness left in his eyes. After a while he said tonelessly: "Fair enough." He looked utterly defeated. I contemplated him silently and wondered out loud: "What makes you so reluctant to tell me?"

Severus looked away from me and inhaled deeply. I barely caught his next words, he muttered them so quietly. "Because it will be the end of us."

I considered what he'd said for a moment.

" _Utter rubbish,"_  I concluded. I knew that I loved him and I was certain nothing was going to change that. Not even the truth.

I scoffed at him: "Come on, cut the drama and give me some credit. You really think knowing the reason why you love me is going to make such a big difference for me?"

He threw me an impassive look.

"I'm quite sure of it, yes. But if you think it won't make any difference, then why ask at all?"

I didn't know what to reply to that.

"You're sidetracking me," I muttered, shaking my head.

"You're letting me. Maybe that means you don't really want to know," Severus remarked.

 _Yes, he was definitely trying to divert me._ _I couldn't let him do that. I needed answers._ So I took a deep breath and steeled myself.

"You do love me, right?" I asked, fiercely holding his gaze. Severus tensed for a second – I guess because he knew I'd begun my interrogation. Still, he nodded finally.

"But you hated me before?"

"Yes," he admitted reluctantly.

"Why?"

I couldn't miss the ambivalent look as his eyes roamed over my face. It was impossible for me to tell what it meant though.

"Because you look like your father so much," he replied.

I assessed this answer. It was nothing I didn't know already. I braced myself for my final question.

"Then why do you love me now?"

He didn't let go of my gaze anymore. I suspected at that point he was just as curious for my reaction as he was scared of it.

"I guess because of the same reason why I hated you, Harry," he told me.

I frowned and waited for him to further explain things. When he didn't I shook my head.

"I don't understand," I said, "You mean the reason you love me… is because I look like my father?"

Severus remained silent and lifted his eyebrow. As I slowly put two and two together, I felt my jaw drop. _No way…_

"Merlin, don't tell me you had a crush on my dad?" I exclaimed. I watched as Severus lowered his gaze. How was that possible? He hated him, I'd seen it with my own two eyes. I felt the urge to laugh. " _This is just ridiculous,"_ I thought. Still, when he didn't say anything anymore, I got confused again.

"But… the Pensieve… My dad bullied you in the worst possible way! I saw it."

"I'm not claiming it makes sense…," he replied.

"You're right, it doesn't!" I blurted out. Severus sighed.

"It's difficult to explain," he admitted.

"Well, try," I demanded, "Because, honestly, it boggles my mind."

Severus cursed softly and looked away.

"I really hate it that I have to talk about this," he growled, "But I guess I'll have to, isn't it? It's not like you're giving me any choice."

I crossed my arms in front of me and told him harshly: "Now that I know, I'm _glad_ I've taken such extreme measures. You really can't keep something like this from me. Now tell me all about it."

He sighed again and talked grudgingly, compelled by the Veritaserum.

"I fell for your father when I was much younger, Harry. Certainly younger than you are now. You can't blame me for something that happened in my childhood."

When I didn't comment, he continued: "Your father never knew of my infatuation. He would have cursed me straight to the fiery pits of hell if he did. I'm sure you remember the history between your dad and me. He wasn't what you would call _amicable_ to me."

"Exactly," I said, "It doesn't make any sense."

"I know," he admitted, "But you can't choose who you fall in love with."

"Apparently," I scoffed. I searched Severus' face for signs that - Veritaserum nonetheless- he was pulling my leg. But I knew he wouldn't look so bitter if he was just joking, so it had to be the truth - as unlikely as it was. I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I was at a loss for words, as I struggled to get a hold on all this new information.

"So basically," I resumed, "you just suffered in silence while you let my dad and his friends make your life into a living hell."

"Well, yes," he remarked dryly, "I would say that's an acceptable summary."

"That sounds really unhealthy," I remarked.

Severus smiled bitterly and agreed: "It was."

I thought about what he'd said for a moment. It was hard for me to understand, but then again, my love for him didn't make any sense either. Even as that thought sunk in, I felt a sudden ripple of agony break through me as an idea started brewing in my mind.

"So where does that leave me?" I asked bluntly, "I mean, is this some kind of revenge then, for all the pain he'd put you through? You couldn't get my dad, so now you're fucking his son?"

If he wanted to make sure my father turned over in his grave, I was fairly certain shagging his son would have done the trick.

Severus reacted calmly, as if he had been waiting for me to say this.

"No Harry," he said, "This is anything but revenge. Listen, the facts are what they are. I know you look like your father…"

 _No kidding_. One of my eyebrows shot up and Severus continued hastily: "A lot, I know. But Harry… I'm sorry to say so, but your father, he was a jerk…"

"And surely I'm not," I cut him off dryly, "Is this your way of convincing me of your sincerity, Severus?"

"Will you shut up and let me finish?" he snarled nervously, "I'm making enough of a fool of myself as it is. I can't help it, but I adore you. So much it crushes me sometimes. I look at you and I see your father, Harry, and I can't help but like it that you're so much like him. But you're also a completely different person. You're kind, Harry, and it feels like I've been given this wonderful new chance, because for some reason you seem to care about me too. I _really_ don't want to know why. But I need you to understand that I _do_ …I do want to look after you."

I blinked. _Wow. What a few drops of Veritaserum could bring about._

When I didn't say anything, Severus seemed to get irritated.

"For Merlin's sake," he snapped impatiently, "Tell me you're disgusted and you don't want anything to do with me anymore, but _please_ get this over with."

I considered him for a while. I didn't want this bound, naked man to be at my mercy, but I had to admit that at that moment, he just was. When I looked at his anxious frown, I believed I finally grasped something essential about him. The constant disdain that had taken residence in his eyes? I recognized it now for what it truly was. It wasn't hate, at least not towards me. It was self-loathing. And I perfectly understood why now. I felt awkwardly relieved at the discovery. Perhaps because I knew how to take it away.

"I think you assume too much," I blurted out. Severus didn't comment immediately and I noted that his eyes turned hesitant.

"I do?" he guardedly asked. I nodded, not sure about the trail my thoughts were taking. Now that I knew, did I care?

"Well… you should give me some time to process this," I contemplated, "But I'm not suddenly revolted by you, if that's what you're implying. I mean, my feelings for you…they're _there_. That doesn't change from one moment to the next. I just need to think this through and figure out what this new information means for me."

I watched as the ambivalence played in his eyes. And all I could think was: " _Sweet Merlin, he's beautiful_." I closed my eyes and swallowed.

"What am I saying?" I sighed, "I don't really _want_ to think about this. Actually I'm sick about thinking things through."

I rubbed my eyes and ran a hand through my hair.

"I think I was right after all," I said, "It doesn't make a difference now that I know. It's not relevant. Yes Severus, you can pull up your eyebrows at that. I think that what I'm trying to say is… I just want something to be normal for once in my life. And my love for you, it _feels_ normal. So perhaps we can just pretend like this never happened? Or is that too much to ask?"

The silence piled up slowly until it filled the room. There was nothing on Severus' face that indicated his feelings, just numbness, it seemed. So in the end I asked gingerly: "What are you thinking?"

A shudder went through Severus' body and he closed his eyes.

"I'm not a very emotional man, Harry. You know that,"  he said quietly, "But if I knew how to cry, I think you would see tears streaming down my face now."

I swallowed.

"So you think we can put this behind us?" I gingerly asked.

Severus nodded and his eyes spoke clearly of the gratitude he felt.

"Yes, Harry. If that's possible," he said.

I nodded in return and muttered: "All right. I think we can do that."

I hesitated only a moment, then leaned forward to untie his hands. He rubbed his wrists as soon as they were released and muttered, his eyes averted: "Thank you."

After a minute of mutual awkward silence, it was Severus who beckoned me closer and pulled me into a hug.

"I'm sorry that I didn't trust you enough to tell you, little lion," he whispered against my ear.

I shook my head as if to discard his apology.

"I'm sorry about the Veritaserum," I countered.

"Mmh… well, yes," Severus grumbled into my hair.

I cowered slightly. I sensed I wasn't completely forgiven. He pulled away from me then to look me in the eye.

"I have to admit that the potion brought out unexpected flavors in the wine. Perhaps we should indulge in another glass," he suggested.

I blinked. "We should?"

A grin appeared on Severus' face and I smiled in return, feeling utterly relieved.

"Why not?" he shrugged, "It doesn't seem like it's doing any harm, is it?"

 

... HP/SS…


	14. Chapter 14

_A few months later…_

"I have a meeting with professor Dumbledore tomorrow evening," Severus announced out of the blue.

I was in the process of deciphering a particularly difficult number chart in my Arithmancy textbook. We had an important test to prepare us for our NEWTS the next day, so I'd been studying on Severus' bed all evening (for lack of a decent couch). It was only after a second or two that I managed to tear my thoughts and eyes away from the book I was absorbed in. I noticed Severus was running a quill between his fingers and he seemed to be lost in thought. By the looks of it, he hadn't progressed much with the stack of papers that awaited quotation on his desk.

"Oh?" I commented, my mind still busy with calculations and indexes. I wasn't sure what he meant by his statement. So he was going to have a conversation with Dumbledore. I didn't see where that concerned me.

Severus fixed his gaze on me. He quirked an eyebrow, as if to communicate I was missing the obvious yet again. It took me a few more seconds to catch up with his train of thought, but when I got there, it felt like an electric current whizzed right through me.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. I snapped my book shut and swung my legs out of the bed.

"Really?" I asked avidly.

Severus sighed, exasperated at my obvious eagerness, but I could see him wrestle to hold down a smile.

"I told you I would talk to Dumbledore about it, Harry," he replied, "And I will."

I smirked. "You realize Dumbledore will only agree with our proposal, don't you?"

"Yes, I think he will," Severus sighed yet again.

"And you won't bow out when that happens? You'll still take me along?"

"If it's the only way to keep you from doing something reckless…"

"It is," I replied, smirking.

"Then I'll surrender and suffer your company," Severus acquiesced, "But only on the conditions you consented to."

"Of course," I grinned, "I won't look at a horcrux, come near a horcrux or touch a horcrux without your permission."

"This is not a joke, Harry."

"I know it's not…"

"Because if you treat it lightly, I might still change my mind and decide to lock you up in here," he threatened. I scowled at him, not impressed at all. We'd been through this conversation again and again these last few weeks. The only reason why Severus had finally agreed yesterday to take me with him on his next mission to find a horcrux, was to be able to keep a close eye on me. I had to persuade him the hard way though. He hadn't listened to my arguments about me wanting to know if he was safe. In the end I'd had to resort to blackmail like _'I'll ask Dumbledore then and he'll be only too happy to take me along'_ or _'I'll just go wandering off on my own then, see if you like that better_ '. I'd earned myself a few very frustrated spankings, but in the end my tenacity had paid off.

"You know Dumbledore will never allow it if you imprison me," I argued, "If that's your plan, you might as well give it up as a lost cause. And if you do manage to get me locked up, trust me that I'll find a way to sneak out. I'm a wizard after all. And who knows what I'll be up to then? I might pay a visit to Malfoy Manor, check if Voldemort's keeping one of his horcruxes there."

Severus frowned and got up from behind his desk.

"Stop provoking me," he grumbled silently. He gently pulled me forward by my arm and embraced me. I immediately felt guilty. I knew he was just being concerned.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. He didn't comment, but pushed my head against his chest. I was aware of the soft thumping of his heart and for some reason the words I'd wanted to say suddenly got stuck in my throat. I think Severus heard me swallow and he started carding his fingers slowly through my hair.

"I've only just got you, Harry," Severus murmured, brushing his nose against mine, "And I have no intention of losing you just yet. Do you understand?"

I nodded. I understood. No point in putting my life on the line. I lightly grasped the collar of his robe.

"The same goes for you," I replied. A chuckle rumbled through his chest, but he didn't say anything. I gave a tug at his collar.

"You hear me?"

"Yes, I hear you, Harry."

I put my head back on his chest. Thoughts about the conversation we'd had the day before filtered through my mind. Even now, I was still a bit shaken from all the information I'd gotten from him. It had been a long and revealing talk. Severus had apparently decided I should get a peek behind the curtains.

He'd told me he was convinced he wouldn't be able to keep his position as a spy within Voldemort's ranks much longer. He seemed to think it was only a matter of time before the Dark Lord would start to ask questions about his continued absences and Severus was sure he wouldn't be able to keep providing convincing lies. He felt his role as a spy was coming to an inevitable end. His plan was to try to keep up the façade as long as he could, but when the place would become too hot, he'd go into hiding with me. He admitted he'd been working towards that moment for a while already.

"But why would you do that?" I asked, surprised and confused, "You'll be hunted down, just like me. It's even worse for you, because you'll be considered a traitor. You'll never have peace again. Isn't keeping your position within Voldemort's circle the more comfortable option right now?"

He shot me an incredulous look, like he couldn't believe I just said that.

"Harry, for the past few years I've had to be on my guard anyway. If you think that the life of a spy is a _comfortable_ one…"

"I'm sorry," I interrupted, "it was stupid of me to say that."

He nodded in acceptance and continued: "I can assure you it hasn't been a picnic. Believe me, all these years I've been searching for reasons to put an end to the madness that being a spy is. But I always found an incentive to force myself to keep going, as much as I hated it. However, I think I have an alternative now."

He took my hand and started playing with it, eyes kept down, and I understood. I was the alternative. An awkward warm glow spread through my stomach and limbs.

"Even if it means being on the run the whole time?" I asked nevertheless. Not under any condition should I have considered that idea to be romantic. I softly cursed myself. I was a fool.

"Yes, Harry," he nodded, "You must understand that I've been seriously thinking this through for a while now. I know I'm asking a lot from you, but if you want to be with me when I'm looking for horcruxes, then I think this is what it will boil down to. I've already listed a few places where we would be safe. I wouldn't let anything happen to you, trust me."

I needed a moment to digest the information. I'd been asking to take me along for weeks now, but I hadn't expected him to relent and give me exactly what I wanted. It was almost too good to be true.

"Wait," I responded, "Will Dumbledore be okay with all of this? And you say you've got a place for us to stay? So, what about the Dursleys? Won't I have to go back there this summer?"

Severus didn't answer immediately. When he finally did though, the wary look I caught on his face gave me an inkling of what he was about to say. All the memories of our first Occlumency lessons came flooding back. The weird, slightly unsettling conversations we'd had about Uncle Vernon. The bold jokes we'd made. Those had surely been only jokes?

"You won't be going back there, Harry."

My mouth twitched uneasily. Apparently I'd been wrong...

"What have you done to him?" I demanded silently. I caught his chin when he dropped his eyes and said: "No more secrets, remember? What did you do to my uncle?"

He reluctantly shrugged and confessed: "Well, let's just say he won't be chasing you around the house anymore."

I looked him in the eye and immediately realized my mistake when I got a sudden unfortunate glimpse of a very disturbing scene. Long black gloves. A bloodied hammer. Something that looked like smashed knees. I flinched. I gaped at him like a cow, unable to say anything. He just stared right back. " _So this was also Severus,"_  I thought, " _Wow_." The next moment I wanted to slap myself for thinking those dispicable thoughts. No matter how evil, uncle Vernon _was_ still family.

"I'm not sorry," Severus finally said, "He did terrible things to you, Harry."

I nodded. It made me strangely proud that Severus had the guts to look me straight in the eye after his inadvertent confession. I shuddered.

" _Maybe I'm going crazy,"_  I wondered, " _Maybe I should feel a little bit more disturbed and a little bit less grateful_."

"Thank you," I muttered in the end. I crawled up against him, because I didn't know what else to do.

"Do you…erm… want to talk about it?" he asked awkwardly.

"No."

"Good. Me neither."

We stayed curled up against each other for hours, neither of us speaking a word. I could almost feel the relief Severus breathed out of every pore.

 

 

...HP/SS...

 

"Are you all right?" Severus demanded as he took in my appearance. I disentangled myself from his embrace and struggled to get back in the present. I sighed and rubbed my eyes.

"Yes," I said, "Just thinking about yesterday."

He regarded me skeptically and it looked like he wanted to say something, but I just shook my head. My eye fell on the Arithmancy book that was still on Severus' bed.

"I think we really ought to get back to work," I said and stretched my arms and legs. I grabbed the book and plopped down on his bed. Severus continued to look at me. A soft smile slowly seeped through his troubled gaze.

"Mmh, let's not," he suggested in a warm voice, "Why don't we relax for the rest of the evening. Merlin knows you've been studying too hard, Harry."

"I am?" I asked, frowning. He just chuckled and took his wand from his desk. He smirked at me and said: "Watch this."

I didn't know the spell he cast at his desk, but even a Squib would have immediately recognized it as a truly great piece of magic. I saw the desk transform and turn into a bath tub right before my eyes. Another flick of his wand and the tub was filled with hot, scented water. I smiled at him.

"Wait," he said, holding up a finger to prevent me from what I was about to say. He flicked his wand a third time and suddenly soft piano music floated through the room, blossoming lazily until it filled every corner. I laughed and got up from the bed.

"You impress me, Severus," I chuckled, "I wouldn't have pegged you to be the romantic type."

Severus tossed his wand on the ground and narrowed his eyes playfully.

"Just be warned, Harry. Tell anyone about it, and I'll hex you into oblivion," he threatened.

I blinked at him.

"What's the matter?" he asked, as I continued to stare.

"I'm sorry, did you just say you'll fuck me into oblivion?"

Severus lips twitched, but I had to give it to him: he kept a straight face, as he casually undid the button of his right sleeve, then the one on the left. A shiver went through me.

"I did," he said and wagged his eyebrows maliciously before tossing me onto his bed.

 

 

…HP/SS…

 

The next day I was standing outside Dumbledore's office, waiting for Severus to come out after his meeting, and I couldn't help but think back about the past few months, now we were on the brink of setting out on a mission together. It was almost absurd how much the air between us had cleared after the fiasco with the Veritaserum. To me it was proof that the feelings we'd developed for each other went far deeper than we'd assumed. We were eager like children to forgive each other; it was so painfully obvious that we sometimes had to laugh at it. Not that we talked a lot about it, though. We didn't feel it was really necessary. But when it did get awkward at times, it was nothing a thorough shag couldn't solve. I smiled at that comforting thought.

Now we were about to start a very dangerous journey, hunting down pieces of Voldemort's soul, it seemed reality came lurking around the corner. Reality and, perhaps, a small shred of hope. With a little bit of luck, Voldemort would be mortal once again in a few months. Maybe it was possible after all to save the wizarding world and put an end to this war. Severus had promised that, after the final battle, he'd take me out, and I'd laughingly agreed that, yes, when all of this was over, we'd start dating for all the world to see.

I hadn't figured out yet how I was going to tell Hermione and Ron, though. The three of us had been inseparable for about seven years and now I was going to be off on my own. Well, not exactly on my own: that _'greasy, stinking, awful bastard'_ was coming with me. I was sure Ron would topple over with shock if he heard the news. Well, we still weren't exactly on speaking terms, but I couldn't just leave without giving him a warning, now could I? I had to tell him, it was the only right thing to do. And Hermione... Well, leaving her behind would be more difficult. She had been on my side like no one else had and I didn't have any idea how long exactly we would be gone. So yes, I was going to miss that girl like mad. At least I had time until my graduation to say goodbye to them. Severus had insisted I'd finish my NEWTS first – why on earth he found it important that I graduated was a mystery to me. Perhaps he thought the extra intelligence might come in handy in outsmarting Voldemort, I didn't know.

I turned around at the sound of heavy footsteps behind me. I just had time to realize that that must be Severus, when the door bounced open and he strode out.

"Hey, how did it go?" I immediately asked and I walked over to him, "Did Dumbledore agr… Are you _crying_?"

I was appalled, because he _was_ crying. Severus _never_ cried.

"What's wro...?" I started to ask.

But Severus took one look at me and screamed at the top of his lungs: "Leave me _alone_!"

I tried to intercept him, to stop him to get him to talk, but he just strode around me. His eyes were terrifying.

"But…," I spluttered, 'I mean... What… HEY!"

He ignored me completely. I lost my temper and went after him.

"Hey! Will you please tell me what's going on?' I yelled, "Why are you suddenly in hysterics?"

"Harry," he sobbed, and the warning was very clear in his trembling voice, "Back off. Now's not the right time."

"But…"

"Haven't you heard me? Back off!" he almost barked.

I halted in my tracks, worried sick about him. But I understood there was no point in following him around. He wouldn't be able to string a coherent sentence together.

I closed my eyes and sighed.

_What on earth was going on now?_

 

 

…HP/SS…


	15. Chapter 15

Severus was murderous. He had to remind himself that it was just innocent students that were passing him by in the corridors and it wouldn't do taking hold of one and living out his anger. Severus could imagine him blasting those children out of the way only too clearly. In the interest of everyone's safety he knew he needed to get out of there. He sped up his already frantic pace.

When he'd reached the shelter of his chambers and closed the door, he choked out a sob in relief. He slid down against the door and finally allowed himself to succumb. He let his terrible grief eat him now he was alone, now he still had the chance. He didn't believe Harry would come after him, not after he'd lashed out at him like that.

_Harry._

_Fuck, yes, his Harry._

He nearly suffocated as it hit him full force. He dragged a rattling breath through his dry throat. The sound of it rang strangely in his ears.

He'd never known fear, he realized, until now. It was sitting heavy on his chest, _in_ his chest, purposefully picking at his lungs until he couldn't breathe. Severus panicked. He quickly scrambled to his feet, and he stumbled. His eyes flitted wildly around the room, but he didn't know what he was looking for. If only there was a way to tear out this monstrous thing that was raging under his ribcage. He thought of Harry, now probably alone in his room, and his breathing sped up again.

How on earth could he have thought that he could _keep_ Harry?

Because he couldn't. It was perfectly clear now. It even made sense, in a very very twisted way.

Harry was a horcrux. Dumbledore had told him so.

At least, he'd said he had a strong suspicion that Harry had a part of Voldemort's soul inside of him. And since when had the old coot's assumptions ever proven to be incorrect? Dumbledore had explained it all to him and his heart had broken, because, _fuck_ , it'd made sense, it'd made _sense_. Even he couldn't deny it.

Dumbledore had helped to bring down the horrible truth to an understandable level for him. On the night that Voldemort tried to kill Harry, a small part of his soul had latched itself on the crying baby. And thus, the Dark Lord had unconsciously made the person he'd wanted to kill into a horcrux. There had been signs all the time of course, he just hadn't thought of piecing them together into the puzzle. It was so obvious now. The connection between Harry's and Voldemort's mind, as if they had but to open a door to step in each other's heads. Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue, just like Voldemort. And the prophecy. Dumbledore had shown him the full content of that wretched prophecy. _'The Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… Neither can live while the other survives…_ '

Anyone who claimed that a prophecy is subject to interpretation would have been right. Except this time Severus' intuition told him otherwise. He knew deep down inside that what Dumbledore had revealed to him was true. Harry was a horcrux. Therefore he needed to die.

Severus didn't realize he had his ink bottle clenched in his hand until he'd flung it away with a furious yell that actually frightened him. The bottle exploded and Severus stared at the inkblot that was now violently splattered across the opposite wall, like it somehow mirrored the maddening feelings that were raging inside of him. He felt the anguish seize him again and he groaned when he found himself on his hands and knees, not knowing where to crawl from misery.

_Just now something had truly started to blossom between them …_

_Just when they'd both finally…_

He chuckled- a high, disturbing sound- and his breath caught wheezily. It was just too mind-bogglingly absurd.

Absurd, yes.

Though it was a fact that luck had never favored him in any way. Hadn't with James. Wouldn't with Harry. That much was clear now. He put his fist in his mouth to keep himself from moaning. Things might have been different if he hadn't had a taste. A nibble out of an all too sugary future. Now he got _this_ thrust in his face. All Dumbledore's fault, since the man had found it imperative that Severus knew about it. His anger flared again.

"Does Harry… How much does he know?" Severus had asked Dumbledore in his office. The headmasters' face had folded into the predictable mask of grief when he'd affirmed what Severus at once knew: in all those years he'd never told Harry. His lion was still blissfully ignorant. The relief he'd felt at that was very short-lived, because one look at Dumbledore and he knew what the old man was refraining from saying. Through the years he'd gotten to know Dumbledore well, and had learned to read between the lines with him.

"I see," Severus said acidly, "So I assume you believe that _I_ should break the news to Harry then, Albus, since I've been shagging the boy?"

A sour look crossed the face that Dumbledore normally kept perfectly composed.

"There is no need to become uncouth, Severus," he spoke calmly.

When he hadn't reacted, Dumbledore had continued, choosing to further ignore Severus' derisive remark.

"I don't see a reason why we should tell Harry just yet," Dumbledore commented, "But when it does come to that point, then yes, I think he would want to hear it from you, Severus. However, it is my belief that he mustn't know until the very last moment. How else could he muster the courage…"

"The _courage_ , Albus?" Severus interrupted, voice dangerously low, "He's just a boy, for Merlin's sake! Where on earth will he find the grit for _this_?"

"And yet he's already shown more bravery than you have at that age."

Severus' retort got stuck in his throat and he glared at Dumbledore. He really didn't need a reminder of his earlier Death Eater days right then.

"That's neither here nor there," he muttered. Dumbledore just put the tips of his fingers together, and a frown appeared on his face.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I know you've left those days behind you, Severus. Of course I can see how much you care for Harry. Don't get me wrong, but it is perfectly clear to me now that, all those years ago, you didn't ask me to save Harry's parents for _Lily's_ sake, like you told me back then," Dumbledore remarked.

"Should I be able to imagine why that would be any of your business, Albus? And do you really want to take this conversation down that road?"

Dumbledore dismissed his comment with a wave of his hand and said: "You're right, it doesn't concern me. What _does_ concern me is Harry's fate. I will allow you to take him along on this mission, Severus, because I think it will take his mind of things. It will be a good thing if he's got a focus. I believe it won't be possible for you to combine this mission with your role as a spy though, so I will offer you a safe house with the best magical protection you can think off. I trust Harry will be safe with you. I hope you agree with me that Harry doesn't need all this information on his plate just yet. So in his best interest, try to be discreet about it."

Severus hands balled into fists at that and his lips curled up in an unpleasant grimace. He couldn't believe that Dumbledore wanted…

"Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"You don't know what you're asking of me."

"I assure you I can imagine…"

"Isn't there a way to coax this piece of Voldemort's soul _out_ of Harry?" Severus asked, pleading with the headmaster for the second time in his existence, he realized. First for James' life. Now for Harry's.

"Not in my knowledge. I'm sorry, Severus. If there was any other way…"

Severus suddenly lunged forward and swept quills and papers alike off the table in one brusque movement.

"He _loves_ me!" he yelled, even as a bottle toppled over and clattered to the floor.

Dumbledore remained silent, but the compassionate look in his eyes didn't placate Severus in the least.

"Tell me, how is this fair?"

"It is not," Dumbledore said simply.

"That's not helping!"

Dumbledore sighed. Severus saw tears in the old man's eyes, but he couldn't have cared less at that moment. Dumbledore's voice was unsteady when he resumed: "I know, Severus, trust me. I understand you. The wizarding world though…"

"The _wizarding_ world, Albus?"

Severus got out of his chair, noticing that his eyes were starting to tear up in anger.

"Are you really talking to me about the wizarding world right now?"

Dumbledore didn't react and that was probably a wise decision, Severus thought. He wasn't sure how much more he could stand. What was he still doing there anyway?

Severus impulsively turned around and headed for the door. He heard the clicking of the lock before he reached it and his eyes widened in disbelief. Was Albus _that_ stupid? Locking him in at _this_ moment? When Severus turned around he just had time to catch a glimpse of Dumbledore who seemed to be realizing the mistake he'd made. Still, he lashed out at him with an instinctive, nonverbal spell. Dumbledore didn't even defend himself. For a moment they both seemed taken aback because of the deep cut that had appeared on Dumbledore's cheek. Severus shook himself awake and took advantage of the moment to push open the door and flee.

 

 

 

… SS/HP…

 

Harry didn't come to him that night. Although Severus felt ironically disappointed, he knew he really couldn't blame the boy. He lay awake all night, wondering how on earth he was going to face Harry in the morning. At the break of dawn he still didn't have an answer to that question.

How would he deal with Harry, when he didn't know how to handle himself?

Severus didn't exactly have warm feelings about Dumbledore's plan to be discreet around Harry. Nevertheless he was aware that he was too much of an emotional mess at the moment to be able to tell Harry the truth just yet. If Harry broke down, he needed to be strong enough to be there for him. And right then, he just couldn't live up to it.

Severus got up, showered, dressed himself and had breakfast, because it was expected of him. But all he could think when he stood in front of his class was: " _Please let me make it through the goddamn day_."

He could feel Harry's eyes on him from the moment he entered the classroom, of course. It would have been odd if they weren't. Severus knew that it wasn't the right time to become emotional, so he straightened up and started that day's lesson. He desperately clung to the routine he'd acquired by teaching throughout so many years. He focused on the Murtlap Essence the class was brewing and quelled any thoughts about horcruxes. That way he was able to allow the time to pass, without falling apart.

Evidently, he knew Harry would want an explanation for his behavior from yesterday. So when he finally dismissed the class, it came as no surprise that Harry didn't even wait for everyone to file out of the room to speak to him. He just went over to his desk and asked frankly: "Is there somewhere we can talk?"

Severus noticed Hermione, Ron and Neville staring at them. He knew that all he needed to do was quirk an eyebrow to make them hastily pack their things and retreat, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He shook his head at Harry.

"Not now", he said, "After dinner."

Harry continued to scrutinize him, but he didn't ask anything. After only a few seconds, it became awkward and Severus turned away from him, aware that there were too many prying eyes. Draco and Zabini were still in the classroom, along with a couple of Hupplepuffs. He kept himself busy rearranging vials and flasks in his cupboard, until he was sure everyone had left. He turned around to face the classroom, somehow hoping Harry had lagged behind, but he found himself alone. He sighed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Not for the first time did he wish there was some simple spell that could just make the complications in his life disappear for good.

 

 

 

…SS/HP…

 

Severus left early from dinner that evening. Five minutes later there was a soft knock on the door of his room. He muttered for Harry to enter, but when nothing happened, he sighed and opened the door. Harry stood in the doorway, shoulders slightly hunched.

"I'm sorry," he explained, "I wasn't sure…"

"Come in," Severus broke him off.

Harry shuffled past him and for a moment didn't seem to know what to do with himself. He leaned awkwardly against Severus' desk. Neither of them said anything.

"What is…," Harry began, but then shook his head.

"Is everything all right between us, Severus?" he tried again.

" _Of course not,"_  Severus thought, " _Nothing will ever be all right again between us_."

"Yes," he lied. He watched the immense relief on Harry's face and knew he'd made the right decision.

"Then how did your meeting with Dumbledore go?" Harry prompted.

Severus contemplated how to answer that question for a moment. He had already chosen that he would not give away too much, at least for now.

"Albus agreed that I can take you with me when I go looking for horcruxes," he said, "We should be able to start in a few weeks' time, after you've finished your NEWTS."

Harry didn't give any sign that he'd heard what Severus said. He just crossed his arms and stared. Severus sighed and went over to his desk, where he pulled a bottle of Firewhiskey out of the drawer. He poured himself and Harry a generous finger of the liquid and offered Harry a glass. He accepted it quietly, not losing Severus out of his sight for one second.

"You're not going to tell me what's wrong, are you?" Harry asked, finally lowering his gaze to his glass.

Severus took a deep breath and decided it would be foolish to lie right now. The boy wasn't stupid after all.

"No," he simply said. Harry nodded.

"Is it worse than you having a crush on my dad?" he smiled.

" _How on earth can he be joking about this?"_ Severus thought. The words he wanted to say got stuck in his throat and he struggled fiercely to keep the anguish off his face. Harry took one look at him and Severus noticed that the boy's jaw hardened. He watched Harry throw back the glass of whiskey and drain it in one gulp. His eyes were suspiciously wet and Severus wondered what he was thinking. Harry coughed once and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I understand," Harry said, which made Severus wonder if he really did. Harry put the empty glass on the desk and walked over to him.

"It's all right," he assured him as he put his hands on Severus' tense shoulders, "I trust you."

Severus didn't really get what was going on in Harry's head. But he looked into those large, gullible eyes and just knew that what the boy had said was true. Harry did trust him. He'd managed to turn him into a faithful lapdog. Severus closed his eyes and cursed. He'd taken Harry's innocence and the sweet child hadn't even blinked - Well, maybe a few times… And now he was about to take away the rest.

He wanted to yell at Harry not to rely on him, but he knew he wouldn't listen. The idea popped into his head to just spank the life out of him and then fuck the boy so hard that he would run away, screaming. Merlin knew Harry was in desperate need of a lesson about trustworthiness.

But Severus didn't act on it. He realized only too well that his time with Harry was limited. So he was going to make sure he squeezed pleasure out of every minute they were together. Severus couldn't look away from this brave, intoxicating man that held him in his arms. He mumbled without thinking: "Sweet Merlin, I need to fuck you."

And he realized that _that_ , too, was true. He'd never needed it more in his life and he felt childishly ashamed about it. But embarrassment had never stopped him before.

As he made love to Harry with a fervor bordering on insanity, he was afraid he was betraying himself. Because Harry had tears in his eyes the whole time and Severus suspected that the boy simply _knew_. He buried himself inside the young man's body a little deeper. As he looked at the crying, moaning mess beneath him, Severus became aware of something. After James' death, Severus had a hard time continuing with his life, but eventually he'd managed. He knew that in Harry's case, that wasn't going to happen. He wouldn't be able to live through his death. So he realized there was only one option, really. He needed to do something, come up with a plan of some sort. He felt curiously relieved about it. _A plan, yes, that was something he could understand_.

Harry drew his attention then by choosing that moment to come violently across his stomach. It was the most beautiful sight and Severus knew that he would never grow tired of it. " _Honestly,"_ he vowed in silence, just before his thoughts spun out of focus and his completion sucked him down, "I _won't_ _give this tight ass up without a fight_ ".

 

 

 

 

…SS/HP…

 

Severus was lying alone in his bed when the idea started brewing in his mind. Harry had already gone back to his common room (silly really, but he'd sent Harry away after having sex because he'd felt guilty) and Severus hadn't been able to catch sleep. So he'd made use of the time to mull things over in his head, and this crazy yet simple plan had presented itself. It was perfect, yet Severus tossed and turned for another hour, not sure what to do. Eventually he realized that if he wanted to act on it, he would have to do it now, because it would gain them the element of surprise.

Severus lifted his legs out of the bed and sat there for another five minutes. It was clear what they needed to do, so why then couldn't he keep his thoughts focused? His eyes wandered around the room and his eyes fell on the tiny night table. He got up, hesitating only briefly and then crossed the room. He had searched the drawer of his nightstand in a few seconds and pulled out the bottle of Blood Replenishment Potion. It had always turned out to be a useful potion in the past, so he pulled on his robe and tucked it away in the folds. He glanced around the room and wondered what else he would need. His wand, of course. He picked it up from his desk and stuffed it in one of the pockets of his cloak. He considered taking his potion kit with him, but eventually he decided against it. He was sure he would be capable enough to find potion ingredients where they were going. An idea popped into his mind. He would have to make sure that Harry brought his Invisibility Cloak. Severus looked around one more time and decided he had everything he needed. He didn't bother to lock his room and went on his way.

 

 

 

…SS/HP…

 

"Harry," Severus whispered, even though he knew that the silencing charm he'd cast around the bed was strong enough that even the presence of a couple of screaming Mandrakes would go unnoticed.

"Harry, you need to wake up."

His lion was reluctant to come out of what seemed like a blissful slumber. He gently shook his shoulder. Harry pried open one eye and took in Severus' appearance: fully dressed, wand at the ready, serious expression on his face. He struggled to open his eyes and hastily scrambled into a sitting position. He rubbed his eyes and asked, voice still sleepy: "What's wrong?"

All the way to the Gryffindor common room Severus had been mulling over in his mind what he would say to Harry. He knew that if he flat out admitted that he planned on fleeing, Harry wouldn't come with him. He knew his boy well enough to know that he was a stupid, noble Gryffindor that would never willingly leave his friends behind to die. But it was perfectly clear to him now what path lay ahead. This war was going to end badly for the both of them, so Severus had decided he needed to come into action if he intended to keep Harry. He was prepared to do just about anything. Even to go through with the most spineless of acts. Harry would no doubt find him despicable. He didn't care. At least they'd be alive. People all over the world fled their countries when war was waging. " _It's a perfectly instinctive thing to do,_ " Severus convinced himself, " _Screw this war. We'd be crazy to stay, wouldn't we? We're entitled to a little bit of luck._ "

He wasn't stupid, of course. He knew that people would set up a witch hunt to find them. Voldemort was sure to be first on that list, and probably the most persistent. But Dumbledore was certainly someone he didn't want to underestimate either. He would go to great lengths to get his _Golden Boy_ back, because he was presumably the only one who could end this war. Again, Severus didn't care. He knew where to keep Harry hidden. If trouble came up, he would deal with it later. His first concern was getting Harry out of bed before Dumbledore caught on to his plans. He somehow didn't trust the headmaster quite enough to rule out the possibility that he might have set up an alarm system.

"It's time for action, Harry," he told him softly, "A bit sooner than expected, I know. Do you still want to come with me?"

Harry pushed the blankets away and tried to blink the sleep out of his eyes. He looked at Severus and after a few seconds in which he seemed to grapple to cotton on, the boy nodded.

"Yes, I'll come with you," he announced, "It has something to do with the horcruxes, right?"

"Indeed," Severus lied without batting an eye, 'But we need to act fast, Harry. I'm sorry, I can't explain anything right now. You need to get dressed as fast as possible. Take your Invisibility Cloak with you."

While he watched the boy get out of bed, Harry's wand tumbled from the bedside table to the ground where it landed with a clatter. Harry froze and anxiously looked around to check if anyone had woken up.

"Silencing charm, Harry," Severus explained. He knew he must have sounded a bit annoyed, because Harry threw him a sheepish look and smiled.

"Hurry," Severus urged him on.

Harry quickly threw on some clothes. He retrieved the Invisibility Cloak out of his bag and stuffed it away in his pocket.

"Get your wand. Leave everything else," Severus ordered.

Harry was in the process of fumbling for his wand, when he suddenly halted in his actions.

"Wait," he said and he turned around to face Severus.

"What, Harry?"

"Now hold on a minute," Harry continued, not quite able to keep the hesitation out of his voice. He scrutinized him for a few seconds, then asked the question Severus had been afraid of: "Are we coming back here at all?"

Severus knew he needed to lie through his teeth, and so he did.

"Yes Harry," he told him, "With a little bit of luck."

But Harry didn't let go of his gaze. Severus had the distinct impression that Harry had somehow seen through his pretenses, but he couldn't be sure. Harry's eyes darted to the girl's dormitories, wondering. Then he turned to look at where Ron was sleeping. From where he was standing, Severus could see the strange grimace flash across Harry's face.

"Is there something the matter, Harry?" he asked. Harry didn't answer him and the silence hung heavily between them. Just when Severus was about to say something in order to force Harry's decision, Harry looked at him again and asked: "Does Dumbledore know about this?"

Severus briefly closed his eyes and decided on a whim not to lie.

"No," he admitted. Harry nodded slowly.

"And this… horcrux… you've found, it needs to be dealt with right now, is it?"

"Right now," Severus nodded. Harry kept his penetrative gaze trained on him. Severus didn't know how much more delay he could stand. Finally something in Harry's eyes shifted and he picked his wand up from the ground.

"You know the way, I suppose?" he asked. Severus just nodded, but inside he was screaming in relief. It didn't even really matter if Harry suspected or not. He would deal with it later.

"Well, lead the way, Severus. Those horcruxes won't destroy themselves," Harry mumbled absentmindedly.

Severus took Harry's hand, not allowing himself to dwell on what Harry was thinking. It didn't matter. He was coming with him. He rubbed the back of Harry's hand with his thumb and pressed a swift kiss on it. Severus didn't know what lay ahead, but he was convinced it was at least a future. With that in his mind, he took a deep breath.

And just like that… they disappeared.

 

 

 

 

THE END


End file.
